We Survived The Teens

The Fresh Air Fund...Good Stuff

2009-04-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

I was recently emailed by a kind woman who turned me onto a program which looks wonderful. It's called The Fresh Air Fund. From their press release:

In 2008, The Fresh Air Fund's Volunteer Host Family Program, called Friendly Town, gave close to 5,000 New York City boys and girls, ages six to 18, free summer experiences in the country and the suburbs. Volunteer host families shared their friendship and homes for two weeks or more in 13 Northeastern states from Virginia to Maine and Canada.

They are in need of host families for this year. Please go visit their site and if you feel so inclined, and live in the designated region, please consider opening your heart and home to a child for a few weeks this summer.

Thanks!

Wellll....

2009-04-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

I've always said I should get a government grant to study the obvious: breastfeeding's good for kids, sugar and fake sugar aren't. If your child has repeat ear infections, perhaps you might want to look at food allergies instead of antibiotics.

And now here's another Captain Obvious one. It appears that now it's true that having kids puts a strain on a relationship. Now we know that. Finally.

Geez.....

Here's the article in case it goes away:

livescience.com – Wed Apr 8, 3:20 pm ET

Parents all know that children make it harder to do some of the most enjoyable adult things. Bluntly put, kids can get between you.

Now scientists have attached some numbers to the situation.

An eight-year study of 218 couples found 90 percent experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.

"Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time," says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. "However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child."

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.

There are key variables to note in the new study.

Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. They tended to have been married longer or had higher incomes.

Children don't ruin everything, Stanley points out.

"There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building," he said. "This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research."

The new research, funded by a grant to the University of Denver from the National Institutes of Health, is detailed in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

LiveScience Staff

LiveScience.com livescience Staff

Do You Care About Your Kid's Food? You Should!

2009-03-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Your future food depends on it. Not kidding. You think the price of food is high now? Do you like that your foods can be genetically modified and no one has to even TELL you about it, no labelling required? Do you care if you have food options? If these bills go through, we're totally screwed.

Last year I read this article in Vanity Fair about Monsanto's despicable practices of sueing small seed coops and family farmers for selling and planting GMO soybeans in violation of their patent. Even though they are innocent, Monsanto is going after them big time to, basically, put them out of business. It goes like this: if you plant their seeds even ONCE, you have to forever because of the possibility of cross contamination infringing upon their patent. I'm not sure if people know about this, but it's been brewing for a long time. Here is a short filmclip that sums up their intent to get control of the world's food supply by controlling the seeds. Their ethics are pretty clearly shown in their history. They used to make PCB's and Agent Orange and manipulated research of their toxicity. 'Nuff said.

It now appears that Representative Rosa L. DeLauro (D - CT) has sponsored Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009 HR875. The corresponding senate bill is S425. There are 39 big agribusiness co-sponsors of these bills. Monsanto, Cargill, Tyson are all in there. Rep. DeLauro's husband has Monsanto as a client. She received $180k in donations from agribusiness PAC's. She is also pals with Rahm Emanuel (white house chief of staff).

This bill will make organic farming obsolete by ordering the small farmers what to feed their animals, how to medically treat their animals, what toxic sprays to use on their farms. It would criminalize all aspects of organic vegetable farms by making them "sources of seed contamination." (of Monsanto's GMO seeds...tricksy, yes?). Farming would be industrialized and forced, by fines of up to $500,000, to comply with the law.

It appears we have about two weeks to make sure this doesn't happen. I truly believe in the power of the internet. Please spread the word and ACT!!!

From The Library of Congress, Thomas Collection

111th Congress, House of Representatives H.R.875
Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c111:H.R.875:

111th Congress, U.S. Senate S425
The Food Safety and Tracking Improvement Act
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c111:S.425:

Your Elected Representatives

House of Representatives
http://www.house.gov

United States Senate
http://www.senate.gov

Call these folks and give them hell, tell them to have HR875 and S425 withdrawn from both floors of Congress Immediately.

(202)-224-3121

Holding Kids Back A Grade

2009-03-06T09:14:00.001-08:00

My oldest grandson is five. He's bright. He's ready to read and does math exercises by himself all the time. He wants this, it's not being forced upon him.

He goes to a Waldorf school.

I understand the importance of developing slowly and surely. I understand laying the groundwork. But/and I have a difficult time when "rules" are applied across the board without giving consideration for the unique child at hand. This appears to be what's happening to him, at least to me.

The teacher has suggested he repeat kindergarten. She's a gentle soul. I know she wants only the best for these kids.

Her reasons: He is a male child and males develop six months behind girls. They want the kids to hit age 7 while in first grade and since his birthday is in August, he won't be 7. With these two considerations combined, she feels it's best that he stay another year.

My daughter listened and thought those good reasons. She asked my grandson and he thought it a good idea.

I thought it not a good idea.

I pointed out that give who he is and his learning readiness, he would be bored as time went on. I suggested that while I want to honor childrens' decisions about the trajectory of their lives, he could not grasp what the reality of him staying put while his classmates moved on would be. I reminded her that she and her sisters had all gotten disgusted with high school and that none of the three of them had finished it in the traditional way. Did she want to subject him to another year of school on the other end?

I am fully in support of not pushing kids who aren't ready to be pushed. But it's a balance.

Years ago, his mother's pre-school teachers all suggested I put her directly into first grade. I didn't care, didn't have an ego need for this for her. I could see she was more than ready and was listening to them, but as she was my first I was on new ground. I had a meeting with the principal, told him what I had been told. He decided I was operating from a pushing position and refused to do it. I watched his mother, my daughter, be the Teacher's aide her whole school career. I listened to her teachers in every grade school year tell me she should not be there, that she was so beyond where the other kids were.

I'm happy the school system got an aide and got paid to have her there. My daughter survived and has no long lasting pervasive psychological damage as a result of it :). Essentially it's not that big of a deal as, truthfully?...I think school important, but more for socialization. Most of the successful people I know didn't do all that well acdemically in school. Many of those who did aren't the most successful, happiest people (by far). I look at school as more social training than anything else, which is why grades were never an issue in our household. If and when a child wants to learn something, they will learn it.

After much discussion and pondering, my daughter has decided to not keep him back. I think that in the long run he will be happier. And we like it when he's happy.

image taken from here

Trusting Teens Part 2

2009-02-11T12:17:00.001-08:00

You can read the background as to what touched this off here.

Why is it suddenly like there are more pedophiles today than before? If pedophiles weren't around in the 50's, 60's and 70's, then why were so many of my friends molested when they were younger? I know dozens of women (and a few men) who had their trust violated by family, parent's friends, priests, teachers.

I would like to suggest that it was even more dangerous before because it wasn't acknowledged so the kids had no protection..and how scary is that? If a child reported it, they were silenced, not believed, discounted...by doctors, priests, teachers, family members, even their mothers. You think that would happen now? Any licensed person who even suspects abuse reports it quick, fast and in a hurry. That wasn't the case when I was young.

Most molesting happens with people already known and trusted. Controlling your child's texting or online activity won't help that. Education, being present to your child and building self esteem will.

Yes, we now have the internet. But if your child is online doing stuff that's self destructive, it says to me there's something else going on there besides just being coerced into something. It says to me that they've either been so sheltered that they haven't a clue, haven't been educated as to their possible vulnerabilities, or have been so controlled they'll find any way to be independent...even if it's self destructive.

When a kid (or anyone, actually) gets into these situations, it says to me that they have lost the ability to discern when something feels "off." They aren't listening to their inner signals. But isn't that what we are trying to foster as parents..that inner voice that our children learn to trust and guide them through life?

Teens are going to make mistakes. We adults make plenty of 'em. Sometimes their mistakes will be big ones and we will wish we had controlled them more in the mistaken belief that somehow we could have prevented this or that.

But we can't. Life isn't like that and we don't live in cages. If my dad had known one quarter of what I'd done, he would have had many more heart attacks than he did. My (now in their 20's) kids have told me stuff they did that I'm so happy I never knew about. Like...traveling alone in Germany at age 17 and getting on the wrong train...which stopped in the middle of nowhere and she had to walk back to the station on the tracks. Or...at age 19 in China taking a 23 hour train trip alone to sightsee the wonders of that country...going out on the town with some rowdies and ending up in some hotel room at another point on that trip. Yup...it's a scary world out there. If I had known what they were doing beforehand I would have flipped out. These are some of their best, most exciting memories. They've built confidence inside my girls. I would never want to take that away from them.

Do we really want to? Do we want our children to live full, interesting, exciting lives or do we want them to be "safe?" Is life about always being small or is it to be lived BIG? They can walk out the door with all in place, cell phone monitored, good grades, we know exactly where they are while riding their bike to school...and a car hits them and they die. It happens.

We cannot control Life.

And in the meantime, it's about trust...in our kids, in their ability to be responsible to the best of their ability. And then we have to turn it over to....whatever: their angels, God, the process, fate, whatever....

From two of the wisest Teachers I've encountered (not the exact conversation, but the essence):

He: I promised Nemo that I would never let anything happen to him!!!

She: Well...that's kind of a funny thing to promise.

He: Why?

She: Well...if nothing ever happens to him, then nothing ever happens.

A Rant On Trusting Teens, Pt. 1

2008-08-20T13:50:00.001-07:00

Thank heavens we live in a place where, unless they cause great harm to their kids, people get to parent any way they want to.

I sure wouldn't want anyone dictating to me how to raise my kids. At the same time, sometimes when I run into people who parent differently than I, I am appalled (as I'm sure they are with me).

I received this in my email box awhile back:

Hi,

If your kids have cell phones then you no doubt have heard the term "text messaging". Maybe you're child is one that racks up hundreds, if not thousands of text messages per month.

And chances are, you have NO IDEA what they are texting, and what others are texting back to them.....right?

Well, there are some very serious reasons for you as a parent, to discover what your teens are texting, who they are texting, and how you can protect them from danger, and themselves.

Here's a great guide designed specifically for parents, that will give you all the information you need (including a comprehensive list of all the texting codes) to learn about what your child is doing online and on their cell phones, and how you can monitor and protect them.

It is in your child's best interest for you to KNOW about the world of text messaging and online social networking. It's not always a safe and innocent world for our kids today, out there, and it's up to us, as parents, to ensure we are on top of, and educated about the activities of our children. Especially ones that consumes so much of their time and attention!

Visit today and learn more, I promise, you'll be glad you did.

I have a number of issues with this email which links to an infomercial site to buy this guy's book on how to protect your child from pedophiles.

First off- I'm blown away by the assumption that it's our right to invade the privacy of someone who is almost an adult. Could it be that it's parenting styles like this that are the result of people staying "younger" for so long? Is this why kids remain living at home for so much longer, put off getting jobs, driving, creating families? Are we making our kids too dependent by our micromanaging their lives?

How do children become trustworthy, responsible people if they are constantly given the message that they aren't? Especially when they haven't done anything wrong?

Every person on this planet is entitled to their privacy. Every one. Even a baby if they so desire. I have no right to intrude on my child's private conversations unless they are in big time self destruct mode. Instead of making them "wrong" and not worthy of being trusted, I preferred making sure my kids understood I considered them responsible, intelligent human beings. They were. This is not to say we didn't have rocky or scary times. Heck...being alive and a parent at any time is scary. But we need to manage our fears and not require our kids to shoulder the burden of them.

Would you rather have someone who can take care of themselves, someone who has a head on their shoulder to find their way through challenges through an inner sense of self esteem? Or would you rather contribute to someone who needs you there to tell them at every turn what's right and what's wrong?

Yes. I understand it's a bigbadscary world out there. We want to protect our kids. But do you really think the road we're taking of monitoring their very move will do that? Paaaleeze...if your child wants to do something, they'll do it. The more boundaries you put around them, the tricksier they'll become to find their way around you. And thank heavens they want their independence. Do we really want a generation of sheep?

more to come...

image from here

Update And Birth

2008-08-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ha...well, so much for posting more regularly....

I guess I've had a difficult time with this blog over the last year because I'm not a full time parent any more. I was having a difficult time thinking of things to write because I'm not in the middle of it.

Lots has happened over the past year. My daughter gave birth to another son. Although we had not intended for me to be the midwife, he was going to be born at my house again because they lived so far out of town.

Good thing my daughter had moved in a few weeks before the due date. Her labor was very fast. Like..she woke me up at 5:30 am because he water had broken and she felt a few contractions. She went back to bed to rest. I got up to get things ready....started putting water in the portable birthing tup that had been set up in my dining room for weeks....getting all the supplies out and ready....went to the store for last minute breakfast items.

At 7, she decided she should eat something as it might be awhile. She was having irregular contractions, lasting no more than a minute, with 5-8 minutes in between, talking through some of them, recovering right after.

At about 7:20 she vomited....hm...says I...call to hubby at old house, call to midwife to arrive. But she was still talking and having mild contractions so not to worry....'

Until about 7:23 when she did a slight "eeh" in pain, holding herself against the wall and breathing deeply.

Hm, says I...

...call hubby and midwife to tell them to amp it up...even though she really wasn't doing much...I just had one of those old fashioned midwify intuitive feelings.

Good thing....

Hubby made it, she started making pushing noises. Midwife arrived when baby's head was out.

Upshot is- Jaymin was born and placenta was out by 8am.

I hate her. Just. Not. Fair. And I've told her this numerous times, cuz I'm just that much of a brat. She sticks her tongue out at me every time.

Both were healthy and happy, although they had an adventure when Jaymin was two weeks old, which I'll rant about soon. And although I wished and hoped to be able to just watch and be a Nona, I also feel really blessed I got to catch both of my grandsons.

He's six months old now, turning from front to back and back again...fat and happy with little squishy biscuit feet. Quite cute, if I say so myself.

Jaymin would be the one inside the belly. The photo was taken by an old family friend, Govinda. Go check out her stuff here cuz she's good.

Long Time No Tap

2008-07-29T10:24:00.001-07:00

It's been a very way long time.

I have two other blogs where I regularly write, and I kinda lost interest for awhile here.

But a funny thing has happened...

This is the blog that I've gotten requests for advertising. These are the types of articles that have risen to the top of portals where I've registered.

I hear there is a mini baby boom going on...a "boomlette."

So maybe there are more folks out there than before looking for other voices and perspectives on parenting, grandmothering and family life than most of what's out there.

I do have a different look on parenting.

I'm thinking I'll pick up writing again.

Migraines And The Magic Man

2007-07-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

Since my teens, I've always been intrigued with alternative holistic healthcare. I got trained as a massage therapist at age 19, took herbs, became a vegetarian. I started studying midwifery at age 23 and learned about all sorts of alternative modalities. I will use an allopath, and think they are vital for things such as broken bones, infections, emergency treatments. But for day to day stuff, cumulative prophylactic stuff, I avoid them.

My kids hardly ever went to allopathic doctors growing up. Because I was new at being a parent and didn't know any better, my oldest daughter started to get the routine physicals, but that didn't last long. My younger two kids didn't even see MD's except if I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Or if I deemed they needed a perscription. They never had antibiotics until they were in their teens. If they got colds, it was herbs, and remedies. They lived. If my kids had something I couldn't figure out how to treat or if I wanted help, I took them to acupuncturists, chiropractors and naturopaths.

Cass, my youngest, however, developed a bad allergy to dairy. She also started to get really bad headaches. As I had no reference for them, and one was particularly strong, I got scared about an aneurysm or tumor so took her into a MD. She got all sorts of tests and had an MRI to rule out my concerns. They convinced me to put her on antibiotics to clear her sinuses (that had been plugged beyondbeyond from the allergy). But the headaches persisted intermittently through early high school.

I had been going to a chiropractor who practices by using Applied Kinesiology. He not only muscle tests the organs, joints, ligaments, muscles and bones to see what's involved in a particular complaint, but then also tests to find out exactly HOW it's out of whack. The adjustments vary depending on what's wrong. For instance, instead of just adjusting C4 the same way all the time, he would change the maneuver depending on if it was out to the right, the left, pushed in, sticking out, etc.

Whereas other chiropractors will take months of adjusments with varying degress of success in treatment, I only have to go to him a few times and I'm fixed. Once I did a major rib/spine thing while boating but couldn't get to him for months after. After I finally limped in, I was completely healed within about five sessions, free of pain after the first.

He is a Magic Man.

So I decided to take Cass to him for the headaches. He muscle tested this and that, did a few things here and there, then announced that it was her ileocecal valve (the valve between the small and large intestines) that needed adjustment. He did it. She had no more headaches.

I'm telling you this man is magic.

So...time rolls on. It's now five or so years later. Cass would have a headache from time to time that incapacitated her, making her vomit and putting her out of commission for awhile. But they were few and far between. Then about eight months ago, they increased in frequency. Then about March, they increased to the point of about once every two weeks. I kinda spaced the Magic Man. Then by May, it was every four days or so. I finally remembered.

About three weeks ago, I sent her to Magic Man. She went for one session and got the ileocecal valve and some stuff in her neck adjusted. Then a week later, she went for a followup so he was sure it had stuck. She hasn't had an inkling of a headache since then.

I'll say it one more time: this man is magic.

I appreciate allopathy, but not for stuff like this. If I was to tell an allopathic physician that a man adjusted my daughter's ileocecal valve to fix a migraine, he would have laughed at the hocus pocus voodoo beliefs I have. There is a good chance it would be ignored and shrugged off as anecdotally insignificant. It may be, but I find it very interesting that it worked twice in her life. I also find it interesting that in both the Chinese and Aryuvedic systems of healing, when a headache presents, they work on the digestive system for treatment. And...Cass also reports that the first sign of her headaches is a stomach ache. When she gets them she knows to not eat because she will just end up throwing up.

Why isn't this significant to allopathy? Watching her when she's in the middle of one of those headaches and hearing the way migraines affect lives, I can't believe that someone wouldn't at least try to find an Applied Kinesiology practitioner who could help them for so little money and time investment.

Wikipedia says it's a "pseudoscience," and says that chiropractors are not supposed to offer Applied Kinesiology. I hate that stuff. It amuses me no end that I watch TV and see endless commercials of drugs that have deadly side effects, but try and do something that is not harmful at all and everyone's up in arms. Because of this attitude, I will continue to use allopaths for things mentioned above. I'm glad they're around for what they're good for. In fact, they were crucial to saving my middle daughter's life because of an emergency she was in. But if I or anyone who asks my opinion, has a problem that's not of an acute nature or needs one of their prescriptions, I will continue to avoid the allopathic medical community like the plague.

Images:

Migraine from here

Muscle Testing from here

So Sad

2007-06-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

A man I used to date called last night. He and I had a very short relationship about 10 years ago. We didn't stay together nearly as long as his kids and I did.

When we met, I felt a connection one of his older daughters. She ended up pregnant and in an unhappy relationship. Her apartment wasn't that far from my home. As she was miserable, I invited her and her baby to live with me. They stayed for about six months. Then her younger sister started hanging out lots at our house, befriending my youngest daughter, even though they were a few years apart. She ended up spending lots of time with us, too, although never fully moving in. Both girls ended up ultimately using me, but, truth is, I knew this was a possibility before taking them into my family and heart. People who have no inner structure have nothing to share outside them.

One of the reasons I tried to be there for the kids was because I could see they were all lost souls due to really sad, neglectful parenting on both parents' parts. The Dad is an alcoholic, the Mom an ex drug addict and now born again Christian. Neither had the skills to parent or give the message to their kids that they were unconditionally loved.

The man and I hadn't talked in over a year so we had lots of catching up to do. My kids are doing great- all are happy and on their way. None of his are thriving, only one will have much of anything to do with him. The eldest that lived with me is probably doing the best in life, but won't talk to him. The son is not doing too well. Sad Dad's remark?: "well, Pamm, you sure did something right because you've always had great kids, they still want to talk to you and are doing well."

People say that to me lots. I have always deflected, truly believing that I can't take credit for how great they are, that all I did was get out of the way.

I do know this- Kids are tremendously forgiving. But they need to feel unconditionally loved. Not 24/7, but ultimately they have to be shown there is someone there to support them no matter what. Not only when they're little, but also in high school and when they're grown. Someone, somewhere on the planet has to have their back so they feel internally safe.

I feel so blessed mine have that. He was so very sad about what he has unconsciously created. I would hate to have to live with myself in that way. Tragic. I talk about this lots because it's so very very important, the key, I think, to growing healthy kids.

image from here

Deliver Us From Evil

2007-06-26T09:28:00.001-07:00

It must be a sign of the times in Hollywood that I can't find too many good films to watch when I go to the video store. I end up getting odd documentaries on Religion and kids. The last one was about Jesus Camp, this round it was a film about the Roman Catholic Church pedophilia crisis. The film is called "Deliver Us From Evil."

I was raised a Catholic, went to Catholic school until fourth grade. Until the age if eight or so, I was sure I was going to be a nun. Although I left the Church in my teens, I have no animosity toward it. In fact, I appreciate that I grew up one as in the 60's it was the only religion in the Midwest that I knew of that had a highly developed ritual component and some recognition of the feminine in it.

Sexuality and Spirituality are the two topics I spend most of my mind pondering. Where and how the two interesect are my greatest areas of interest and academic study. My BA is in Religious Studies and I have lots of training in wholistic approaches to Sexuality. While the issue pushes my buttons, I also have a great deal of compassion for those who are sexually attracted to children. I understand that sexual fantasies can be violent, dark, and go places that society would deem deviant, bad, evil, etc. I also understand that most humans get these urges in one way or another. Feelings and thoughts are very difficult things to control. They come unbidden and oftentimes are unwanted. They can produce shame and guilt, sometimes torturing the individual as they try to find internal balance between the person they want to be and these dark thoughts.

We can't always control out thoughts. But we can control our actions. This is the line I wish to draw in this issue. It's not that I want priests to eternally burn in hell for their urges. I just want them to stop molesting children. And I want the Church to admit that they handled this incorrectly, to apologize to the people who's lives have been ruined by being abandoned by their Spiritual Teachers and the institution they support emotionally and financially.

I knew this was big, I had read articles here and there, been appalled, made my jokes about it, felt my anger, all that stuff. But it always hits home harder when you see the faces, hear their stories, listen to their cries of anguish at loosing trust in humanity and God. Things in particular that were new to me:

-The pope, when he was Cardinal Ratzinger was the highest official in charge of this issue. At the end of the day, he is responsible for the way the Church is treating the abused kids and their families. This is the peer the Cardinals chose to be the leader, the Line from St. Peter, the highest authority. The man who abandoned the most helpless of his "flock." And the crime was not only that of sexual predation, it's compounded by the role of the perpetrator. If a priest is the messenger and holder of the Faith here on Earth, holding a position of God to a child, this child then gets to try and heal, as best they can, that they were raped by God.

- That the Church strikes deals with the priests and financially supports them after they get out of jail. It works deals with DA's so that sentences are reduced, then when the offender is out of jail, takes no responsibility for the community that the felon is released into. The one priest showcased in the film, Oliver O' Grady, only spent seven years in prison, then was released into a community filled with children in Ireland. No authorities were notified of his conviction and prison stay. I found this appalling.

- That in California alone, there are over 650 of these cases being investigated and tried. Estimates are that only 20% of all victims report this form of abuse. One seminary had 10% of its graduating priests arrested as pedophiles. O'Grady is thought to have abused hundreds of children, some as young as under one year old. It's often difficult to guage what's going on inside someone just by their outward demeanor, especially when they are being filmed. But I sensed very little true remorse in the man....or even a real understanding of gravity of what he had done. There were times when they showed him writing letters of apology to the children. The majority of the letters were about him. His experience, where he was today, how he felt.

-Not only the children, but whole families were emotionally annhilated. Imagine a father's anguish, hearing that the priest who he and his wife had taken into their family, treated him as one of their own--a man of God in a Church he trusted. Then to find out that this trust had been so terribly violated by harming the person that they were sworn to protect. And then discover that the reason your daughter didn't tell you is because you said you would kill anyone who harmed her, and her friend told her that if someone kills someone they have to go to jail for life. I cannot imaging the pain.

I would imagine that there's really very little I can share here that is new on this. But I want to add my voice to others who wonder how it is that a church heirarchy that assigns itself the right to dictate the sex lives of literally millions of consenting adults, cannot tend to its employees/ representatives do behind closed doors. Things happen. I don't hear the abused people wanting anything more than an acknowledgement of what happened, help paying for their therapy, and, most important, the knowledge that practices and policies that allow this to continue will stop. I get that above all, they want to ensure that future children can be allowed to practice their faith and pray to their God safely and without the fear that they will be raped.

Pictures:

movie poster from here

Oliver O'Grady free to roam the streets in Ireland from here

Monsignor Cain, O'Grady, Cardinal Mahoney combined still from depositions from here .

In his deposition, Monsignor Cain said that one of the reasons that Grady was not more closely watched at first was because his first reported abuse was with a girl. That wasn't considered perverse enough to warrant action.

Family Eats

2007-06-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

I became a vegetarian at age 17 then married a meat eater. I was also into holistic stuff when we got together, very tuned into nutrition and all that stuff from my midwifery. As the years went on, I got kind of obnoxious about the kids' diets. They hardly ever got sugar. They only had 100% real juice in their school lunchs, homemade fruit rolls made with honey for dessert, whole wheat bread only, carrot sticks. They ate real foods, pretty devoid of chemicals, additives, dyes and crap.

They didn't really complain (much) at first. I would feed them all sorts of complex vegetarian culinary masterpieces. I learned over time that kids prefer simple foods.

As time went on and they were increasingly introduced to the world outside our family, the arguments began. It got to the point that the only real tension we had was around sugar and junk food consumption. It occurred to me that I was setting up an unconscious pattern with food for them that had the potential to affect their lives. Good job, Mom. I decided it was time to stop.

One Saturday I took the plunge and got them donuts. Once they scraped their chins off the floor in astonishment, they were ecstatic. All donuts were devoured. Quickly.

I started to cook more meat for all of them and actually got pretty good at chicken dishes. It got weird having to always cook two meals- one for me and one for the rest of the family. It didn't take too long to figure out that we could all do the same side dishes, but then I would cook one protein for me, one more meat based for the rest of the crew for all to be happyhappy.

As time went on and I discovered and experimented with all the various theories of eating out there, it got confusing. I couldn't do the macrobiotic thing. Didn't appeal and I like raw fruit. Then there's the whole food combining thing. I followed this carefully as part of my weight loss when I shed 75 pounds. I discovered I have food allergies to wheat and corn. We learned about the blood type diet. Pretty soon it became a thing of...well....can't eat this food from this plan here, but it's supposed to be the thing that works over here. Too much work. And way beyond limiting. I mean...about the only thing left is salmon, kale and apples. And while those foods make up a large part of my diet today, I do want and like variety.

These days we can all sit down and all eat the same meal. I now eat fish. I've experimented with meat and am not into it. We all prefer whole foods, preferably organic. We all appreciate healthy eating. It simply tastes better. I'm sorry but a can of peaches does not taste like a tree ripened peach in season. Morgan and I avoid wheat, but aren''t completely neurotic about it (only slightly). All eat some sugar in moderation. We all shop at our local farmer's market for the bulk of our produce..not only for freshness, but the pricing can't be beat.

We're always so surprised that people think junk food tastes better than healthy food. I don't get it. What I do know is that taste buds numb out. That if you feed yourself crap, taste buds get used to crap. But once you let the crap go, it tastes like crap. Occasionally when we travel we are subjected to bad food that others are happily devouring. We all shiver. My kids eat hamburgers, they do go to fast food from time to time. But those times are few and far between and they immediately want real food after.

I'm happy that our culture is finally waking up to the importance of being conscious about what we put in our mouths. It's a pity that we had to get so morbidly obese and unhealthy to decide to start down that road, but better late than never.

In our case, yes I went a little overboard for awhile there and I think it important to be balanced now. Better to not instill a feeling of rebellion and lack so that bad eating becomes the statement for independence. What's always so fun to me is asking my three year old grandson what he wants to drink. Ninety percent of the time it's water, even when offered juice. He's always telling me water is his all time favorite. He pushed for it even back east when well meaning family who kept pushing because they couldn't believe he didn't want a soda. He just kept asking for water, no soda. In this day and age, I consider that a miracle.

I mean...wow...does't this just look better than packaged, unrecognizeable crap? I really don't get it why people think eating healthy=no taste.

Candy junkfood from here
Pizza, hamburgers, etc. from here
Stirfry from here
Real, healthy food from here

Family Dynamics

2007-06-14T12:19:00.001-07:00

I suppose every family has their version of them. When Morgan was born, she and Starla got along well, or at least tolerably well. That is until Morgan woke up around age seven or so and stopped doing what Starla wanted her to. The antagonism between Morgan and Cass started when Cass was one day old. Morgan sweetly sat on the couch all propped so she would be able to safely hold Cass. The minute Cass hit Morgan's lap she started to scream. That's pretty much explains what it's been since then. Morgan bugs Cass.

It's so funny....if Morgan and Starla are together, everyone is fine. If Starla and Cass are together, everyone is fine. If all four of us are together, we immediately revert into this weird sort of charicature of our worst, most dysfunctional traits. What is THAT all about?

It helps that Morgan and Cass only see each other twice a year or so now. It can actually go a few days before they twitch out and we all start the pattern, which looks like this:

Morgan is Emotional DramaQueen, emoting and flipping out in contrast to

Cass as Miss Cool, Detached, Disgusted, Aloof, Brat

Starla is uninvolved "Oh, no, here we go again, can't you guys get it together?"

And I'm "Let's be butterflies and why can't we just be a happy family" sort of care-taker and trying to always soothe feathers.

On one outing (in which, I might add I was footing the bill for a very expensive family adventure) we stopped in the middle of it and talked about it. It helped a little in that the adventure wasn't totally dismal, but it was sad that we had to go into our archetypal dramas. Sigh.

I do really think the patterns is changing, if last Christmas is any indicator. Morgan and Cass did fight, but they never did it around me and they reported it in very even tones. They were able to get past it the two times they did fight, actually be at the same table for a friendly meal, without seething....or they did Oscar level performances and I didn't notice. No one ran into a bedroom, slamming the door. No one yelled at me for taking sides (because they both would accuse me of taking sides simultaneously, go figure.) I've even heard that Cass included Morgan as a friend on her MySpace page. So...who knows what the future will bring.

I heard this happened, I never believed it would here so now I am truly a believer in the power of patience and trusting that all will be well.

Beheaded sibling from here
Sparkly Rainbow from here

Commercial Breaktime!!

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Support Your Local Midwife

2007-06-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Since I used to be one, I know what the life is like. And although a good midwife will never tell you what she goes through, I feel I have the right to do so to remind us all that everyone needs recognition from time to time. These women really do.

Midwives do what they do because they love it and are committed on a very deep level. It's a calling. It has to be because the life is so intense that there has to be some compelling reason to put yourself through all that you do to be of service to the families.

Imagine, if you will, the responsibility of knowing that lives are in your hands. That even if you do everything "right" that you have no control over the events of a birth and the "karma" (if you will) of a family. Since midwives, obviously, care about Life, to have something go "wrong" even when they know they've done their best, just about puts many a midwife over the edge. It's a huge stress. That stress NEVER goes away.

If they live in a state that prosecutes midwives for doing home deliveries, a midwife also has this added stress constantly in the back of her mind. She knows that as well meaning as the families are, unless they are pregnant or planning to become so soon, homebirth becomes less important a political issue to devote time to. People get busy with their families. For the most part, she will be alone in her battles.

Midwives are on call 24/7 (unless they have partners....which they need to stay sane, but don't always have that luxury). They can never count on simple things such as a night's sleep, being with their families at Christmas, birthdays, special times. If their kid is sick, they may miss this. If their kid is in a school play,they miss it. Basically, when a mother is a midwife, all the other families have to become more important than hers. When a mother is a midwife, her whole family is involved in birthing whether they want it or not. This is stressful for her family. When she's home she needs to focus on them.

Because midwives have a closer, more caring practice, families sometimes forget boundaries and a midwife's personal time. I used to get frivolous calls at all times of the day and night. For instance, someone once called me at 5:30 am after I had been up all night at a birth to ask me what time the Natural Food Store opened. I suggested she call them as I had no idea. I knew she meant well in all she intended, but I think it prudent to mention to the general public that if you have forty to fifty (or more) families under your care, that each needs to be cognizant of the fact that a midwive needs space to recharge her batteries so she has energy to give. Please think before you call.

A touchy subject: ...but please....pay your midwife the fee you agreed to. She puts in copious hours for you, puts her heart and soul into taking care of you, your child and your birth. It's expensive buying equipment, expensive for her to find good childcare for her kids when you have a birth. She probably charges a fraction of what any OB would, and puts in many more hours. She feels blessed to have been invited to your birth, but is invited because she brings skills and experience that you need. She needs the security of having her personal bills covered so that her energy doesn't have to focus there. We no longer live in a society where the village took care of its healers....she needs money to do that...and until your good intentions can pay her rent, please...just pay her in a timely fashion so she doesn't have to stress about it.

Finally...do not see her as God. You are the Goddess giving birth. She does not deliver your baby...you deliver your baby. She is coming to assist you because she believes in you and your ability to give birth normally and naturally. She is there because at this point in her life, she can think of no better place to be, has nothing she feels is more important than babies being born in emotionally and physically healthy ways. She will always do her best, but ultimately, this is your birth. Do NOT give your power away. Do not let go of responsibility over your body...she doesn't want it. She wants to empower YOU and your family. Let her do this. Please receive this--her greatest gift.

Image of woman giving birth from here

Squatting woman giving birth from here

Don't You Love It When

2007-06-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

....the daughter who, three years ago, was telling you she is entitled to:

A cell phone with unlimited texting and minutes

A computer with scanner/copier and all the CD's she wants to burn

An MP3 player

A car of her choice

All the clothes she wants

...is now a politically active, culturally aware almost twenty year old who is paring down to live a simple life? No more car. Simple cell phone plan. Buys organic. Reads politically leftist subversive books. Takes a stand on gender, peace, cultural, racist issues.

Wow.

Trust me, if this conversion can happen anything is possible. Just another miracle we get to observe as we watch them transform and transmute.

Rainbow picture taken from here

Angel from here

Who's In Control??

2007-06-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

I know that we, as parents, have to assume a position of authority. Our kids like to have the security of feeling that someone is in control. I have been blessed with kids who had their moments of challenge, but none of my kids has never gone off the deep end. None of them got so unruly or disrespectful that they got lost and out of control.

The experts might look at this and say that it was because of the way I disciplined them. Could be. I have my opinions about how to get kids to the point where they listen, especially when young (talked about here). It could be that by raising them the way I did, that they learned how to behave, got a sense of themselves, and didn't act out too much. But those same "experts" wouldn't agree with my parenting style...in fact the way I parented was quite contrary to most of what they suggest to parents to avoid the behavior they are trying to prevent.

After watching lots of kids and parents, I do notice certain styles that tend to result in more beneficial parent/kid relationships. But in the end, I have to say, that nothing that I've seen predetermines where a kid will end up. After watching kids and how their parents handled them, I discovered a secret. Now...even though I figured this out pretty early on, I never let on to my kids until they were much older. Why crack the illusion and make things harder for everyone? I think it vital to continue the status quo mindset.

SSSsssssssh.....be sure not to tell them...but....it's really the kids that are in control.

Why do I say that? Because we, as parents, can decide to punish. We can have time outs, spankings, talkings to, groundings, taking away priveleges, the whole thing. But if the kid doesn't decide to obey, doesn't decide that the consequences are enough to stop what they're going, it means nada. Ask any parent who's kid is out of control.

Scary isn't it?

Image from here

This post was featured in the Carnival Of Family Life

Scariest Movie I've Ever Seen

2007-05-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

If done tastefully and with some sort of deeper thinking involved, I love a good scary movie from time to time. "Jurassic Park" made me think about science. "28 Days Later" was an amazing film. I love the old Hitchcock thrillers.

This movie, however, was, by far, the most frightening movie I have ever seen.

I fancy myself an extremely respectful person in regards to people's choices about their religion and spiritual paths. In fact, spirituality is such an important subject to me that I got my BA in Religious Studies. Even though none of these are my personal spiritual path, I have respect for Muslims, Pagans, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, Voudoins, Wiccans. My basic motto with religious choice is: "The flowers on the petal are many, but the flower is one."

From the movie's homepage:

"A growing number of Evangelical Christians believe there is a revival underway in America that requires Christian youth to assume leadership roles in advocating the cause of their religious movement.

"Jesus Camp" follows a group of young children to Pastor Becky Fischer's "Kids on Fire Summer Camp," where kids are taught to become dedicated Christian soldiers in God's army and are schooled in how to take back America for Christ. The film is a first-ever look into an intense training that recruits born again Christian children to become an active part of America's political future."

Although I couldn't find a picture of it, the first thing that froze me in my seat, took my breath away was the opening scene. It was of a "recruiting" introductory workshop. The scene was of a bunch of kids dressed like an army, twirling these baton things and marching/dancing to a song for Jesus.

The second huge red flag went up when Becky said something to the effect of: "Look at the Muslims. They train their kids starting when they are really small to be willing to die for Allah. I want to create kids that are willing to die for Jesus."

Becky is very clear about and honest with her intent to brainwash these kids. She uses tried and true, "scientifically proven" techniques to do so, taking them step by step to her cause. She justifies it by saying that all kids are brainwashed and why shouldn't she (with the god's and the parent's consent, of course) brainwash them this way?

Third terror alert (code red) amidst many mini previous ones as we followed a number of kids home then to camp? When the kids finally get there, their first session reminded me of watching footing from Hitler's Germany. The whole thing (or what was presented on film, anyway) was to instill in the kids how "bad" they are, how sinful. Kids..little kids were crying, sobbing in shame, many of them with their heads in their arms, not willing to be seen. Yup, break their psyches down with pain and shame, then give them a way out through you. I kept wondering if Becky trained by the CIA. She's that good at what she does.

These kids are committed. They feel they are messengers for God, here to spread his word, given a mandate because God brought them George Bush and it's time for them to step up to the plate and do "their part." I laughed at one scene. One young girl, who kind of struck me as a bit unbalanced, tried to convert someone at a bowling alley. The woman actually listened to her. I would have politely told her that I was not interested as I always do with any sales person. Just because it's a kid doesn't mean I have to reinforce rude behavior trying to sell me something so personal and which I neither asked for nor want. I don't accept phone solicitations or door to door sales people...so why would I listen?

Throughout the whole thing, I kept wondering what would happen if the Christian right found out about a camp for Gay kids. I wondered what would happen to a Pagan kid camp. Would they stand outside the camp and try to shut it down? Would they file complaints?

On their way back home after their training, they got to stop at one of their personal Christian rock star's church. It was, obviously, filmed before Mr. Haggard's publicity "challenge."

Let me state catagorically that I feel terribly for the man. We all learn our lessons in life and I feel incredibly sorry for anyone that has to have that level of hypocrisy shoved in their faces and go through the anguish I can imagine he went through. For me, though, their adventure with him was such a metaphor for all that I heard throughout the film: God gave us GW Bush; there is no such thing as Global Warming..it's just a plot by the liberals to shift the issue off abortion; there is no such thing as evolution; the Bible is THE word of God (like he dictated it directly to the printing house). I can find no truth in any of those statements or in what Ted Haggard projected himself to be. It's utterly fascinating to me to try and understand why people hold onto things that from my perspective are so clearly untrue....and that they hold so tenaciously, struggle and grasp, even when faced with that which they have been clinging to has been proven false.
Ecstatic spiritual experience is an amazing feeling. I know. Kids are so open to all of those kinds of emotions, have very few walls once they have been convinced of the rightness of their cause. They have very little interference with past history and a possess a truly trusting nature. My observation has been that when kids are subjected to this kind of treatment when young, they do one of two things. They stay there or they start to wake up, take notice of a few of the hypocrisies, feel lied to and rebel. As I watched these kids, I was fascinated, wondering where they would be in ten or fifteen years.

I support the right to religious freedoms. But that doesn't mean I don't see some that frighten me and make me so happy to be who I am. One of the things that I really appreciated about the film is that they had other Christians critiquing this movement. Along side the story line of the camp, they had a critical Christian radio personality who was airing a show that they would go back to a number of times during the movie. Any critique that will be effective and heard needs to come from within Christianity itself. If not, it will only be dismissed.

Because, you see, they really won't listen to someone like me.

My God doesn't want or need an army, especially one of children.

He doesn't feel the need to shame and instill fear into little children so they follow him. He's more confident of himself than that.

My God's about Love.

Images from the movie taken from here , here, and here

You can read more of a synopsis of the movie here

again, the movie's website is here

read disucssion about the film at Indiewire.com

Carnivals

2007-05-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of Carnivals I submitted to this last week and got published in...eeeahhhaaaa!!!....

The first is the Carnival of Family Life for which I submitted my article on Teens and Sex. It's being hosted by a wonderful woman named Janie over at Colloquium.

The other articles submitted are:

Jack Yoest of Yoest.com presents Memorial Day at Arlington National Cemetery.
Cory Aldrich of Marriage Actually presents Holiday Negotiations.
mom&dad of raising4boys.com present How Not to Coach a Kids’ Soccer Team.
Kerri of Play Library presents Dangerous Pool Toys.
Jordan of MamaBlogga presents Five Things Moms Do Right
Laura Young of Dragon Slayer's Guide to Life presents When Your Old Self and New Self are out of Sync: Social Drag.
Karen Flores of Karen Flores presents By the word of their testimony - More Read Alouds
Jenny-Up the Hill of Up the Hill Gang presents Up the Hill Gang: 10 Days.
Holly Schwendiman of Holly's Corner Blog presents We Made It!.
Silicon Valley Blogger of The Digerati Life presents Sounding Off On How Much Mom’s Job Should Pay.
Mama Duck of Lil Duck Duck presents Messy party ideas - part 3.
Kevin of More4Kids Parenting presents Parenting Tip of the Day: Avoid Punishing When Angry. Super Saver of My Wealth Builder presents Investing for Our Daughter.
Erica Douglas of LittleMummy.com presents Parenting: Micro-Management v. Complete Delegation.
Lill Hawkins of News from Hawkhill Acres presents Singing in My Sleep.
Sara of fiveberries in Texas presents On Potty Training.
Dana of Principled Discovery presents Homeschooling With a New Baby.
Sherrie McCarthy of Confessions of a Wandering Gypsy Princess presents Pumpkin Butt is Driving Me Crazy.
Dana of Southern Gal Goes North presents Unruly Children=Bad Parenting?.
Riley of All Rileyed Up presents The Latest in Hair Trends.
muse of me-ander presents Nice Day, Nice Pictures.
Therapy Doc at Everyone Needs Therapy presents Commencement.
Sara of Suburban Oblivion presents One of Those Real (Bad) Mom Days.
Whymommy of Toddler Planet presents A Peace-Loving Home.
Karen of Write from Karen presents Doing the Shuffle.
Csara of Baby Talkers presents Sharing.
Hueina Sue of Echoes of Cold Moon presents In Praise of Green Beans.
Christine of Everyday Disasters presents Physics and the School Play.
Shera of There's A Frog In My Soup . . . and other mixed blessings! presents Brother for Sale.
Julee of Homeschool Daze presents I'm Serious.
Chris Wondra of Chris Wondra.com presents What to do when your child is being teased.
Jennifer of Toddler Tactics presents Let the Battles Begin.
Mommy the Maid of Mommy the Maid presents Yesterday she turned two.
Summer of Wired for Noise presents Poop.Suzanne of Adventures in Daily Living presents Things I Need to Remember.
Kate of Babylune presents Unassisted Childbirth Considered More Normal.
Megan Bayliss of Imaginif. . . presents Saying No Takes Practice: Play Idea to Help Kids Say No. Kailani of An Island Life presents The Happiest Place on Earth?
Pamm of We Survived the Teens presents Teens and Sex.
Stephen Ward of Project Paradox presents Kids Say the Darnedest Things.
Vicky of Little Legends Blog presents At what age do you let your children go out on their own?Leisa of Down with the Kids presents A Humour Milestone?
Carol of Can't Holder Tongue presents Bathtub Advice.
Kristen of Love Shak, Baby presents Going Out To Eat With The Kids: Where Do You Go?
Arun of Arun is Bringing You . . . Your Daily Remedy presents The Art of Forgetting.
Michelle Sweeney of Tonic Gifts presents The meanest mother in the world.
Christine of Are We There Yet Mom? presents Summer Safety and the Unthinkable!
Nathania Johnson of The SEM Zone presents I'm a Proud SEO Mom.
Jonathan Pippenger of Growing Up with the Kids presents Dad Logic vs. Daughter Emotion: Round 1.
Madeleine Begun Kane of Mad Kane's Humor Blog presents No Sweat Divorce.
The Expatriate Chef of The Expatriate's Kitchen presents I Know She'll Like it — Someday.
Maureen of Trinity Prep School presents Peak Experience of the Week.
Ben Cotten of Ben's Soap Box presents My Apologies to Golden China for the Spider Monkeys.

I'm enjoying the discovery of new ideas and places to find a few laughs and encourage you to check all or some of them out!!

___________________________

The other was the Carnival of Observations On Life, hosted this time by Anja Merret at Chatting To My Generation.

I want to thank Anja for being kind and including me as I think I may have misunderstood the intent of this Carnival..I thought it was supposed to be on humorous stuff so sent in my posts about Moth Genocide....blush.

Brandon Peele presents An Open Letter to My Parents posted at GT.
Conan Stevens presents Stupid Things We Did As Beginner Bodybuilders posted at Tall Muscle Actor Blog.
Conan Stevens presents Kindergarten Child Arrested And Charged With Felony posted at Thinking About Life.
Conan Stevens presents Acting Is High Pay But Don?t Try To Live Like A Movie Star posted at Actors And Acting Informational Blog.
Allan Wallace presents Teachers and Students - Method Works For Some, Destroys Others posted at - The BFU Journal -documenting the creation of a new type of college.
Madeleine Begun Kane presents No Sweat Divorce posted at Mad Kane’s Humor Blog.
Rickey Henderson presents Rickey’s Weekend Running Diary (Of Doom) posted at Riding with Rickey.
Kennubo presents Fat monster, a date with a cute girl and free lunch posted at Ken Nubo — Your daily source of rambling.
karl staib presents Perspectivism posted at Karl Staib.
Shamelle presents 6 ‘American Idol Ways’ To Enhance Your Blogging posted at Enhance Life.
Debra Moorhead presents What Gardening Has Taught Me About Life posted at Debra Moorhead.com.
Samir presents How to anti-crash a wedding in 5 easy steps - a case study posted at SamirBharadwaj.com.
Ellesse presents Inspirational Stories I : Wilma Rudolph, An Olympic Wonder posted at Goal Setting College.
Jeremy Reeves presents Being Weird Is a Good Thing posted at The Road To A Perfect Life.
Pamm presents The Thing About Organic Food Is….. posted at We Survived The Teens.
therapydoc presents Commencement posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Alvaro Fernandez presents Lifelong Learning and New Neurons in Adults posted at Brain Fitness.
Daniel Brenton presents Destiny’s Calling, and it’s Getting a Busy Signal posted at The Meaning of Existence (and all that): The Odd Little Universe of Daniel Brenton.
Ankesh Kothari presents Easy Trick to Achieve All Your Goals posted at How To Grow Your Blog Traffic.
Phil presents The Size of Money « Phil for Humanity posted at Phil for Humanity.

Telling The Kids About Drugs

2007-05-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Controversial topic, I know. Abuse of them can lead to all sorts of lifelong problems, throwing people into places that are very difficult to extricate themselves from.

All three of my girls experimented with drugs in their teens: alcohol, pot, LSD, crack or crank (don't remember which one), mushrooms. Probably ecstasy. I'm not sure, but I don't think they've done heroin or angel dust.

I am here to report they did not die, none of them does drugs regularly now. I don't get that any of them did as many drugs as I did when their age. Although Morgan did quite a few for awhile, none of them has become addicted to anything, all have experimented and are pretty done with them for the most part, barring occasional pot with two of them and some drinking from time to time as partying folk do. But even that has slowed down. As Morgan and I were saying one time...partying can be a cultural a rite of passage of sorts these days. It's "cute" to end up puking when you're 19. At 22 it's less attractive. By 28 eyebrows are raised. If you're 32 and still doing the sloppy drunk, you're a loser. By 40, it's just disgusting.

In our small community a group of us went through parenthood together, with kids as peers. Some kids went through these stages with a bit more struggle than others. I remember discussions with a few parents on the topic. Opinion was mixed as to how to handle things...whether to tell the kids about our personal involvement with drugs in our pasts (or present for some).

I stood, and continue to stand on the side of honesty--trusting that my kids are smart and want to be whole. I took drugs when I was young. Lots of pot, hash, LSD, mesacline, THC in pill form, tons of speed, cocaine once, angel dust once. Although I was mostly done with them by my early 20's, much of my sophmore through senior years were spent high on one drug or another. As time went on, I was starting to feel more and more nauseous when I smoked pot. After a previous seven year hiatus, the last time I smoked it was when I was 31. I got violently ill for days (I do everything backwards....most people smoke pot to stop nausea, I get it from smoking).

I told my kids my history because I think my words carry more weight than someone who has never had drugs. One of the reasons I was so open to so many drugs was due to my curious nature, and my need to rebel against the loving control my parents provided me. I didn't want my kids to feel that control and have that need to take back their lives in unhealthy ways. One of the things that really upset me was all the drug education they gave us in school. We were told that if we smoked pot, then we would automatically kill ourselves because it ALWAYS straightlined to heroin addiction. As a kid, this made me lose complete respect for the programs. I thought them stupid and bunk. My kids had the D.A.R.E program in school. A few years after one had the program, the officer who led it was arrested for drug use. What do we think this stuff does to kids? This officer and we are only human, I know, but to be hypocritical causes more problems than telling the truth. I knew drugs. I wan't unreasonable about them, I used them, I liked them, I didn't get addicted so no misleading horror story there. I saw them for what they were and rejected them.

What I told my kids, pretty much verbatum, is this:

There is a reason people take drugs. It's because they feel good. I'm not going to lie...they do feel really good and are really fun.

But they Lie. They are not real and they make you think everything inside you is OK but it's NOT OK. You loose the ability to function like a human being. Everyone around you can see you are out there, but you think you are functioning. This is the lie. I've watched people from my generation take tons of drugs and I can tell you from first hand observation, that the ones who took lots and continue to take them stop their emotional development and their ability to function well in society. All the ones I know who smoke pot every day are emotionally stuck back when they first started smoking. Do you want to be 40 years old with the emotional capacity of a 16 year old? There is a REASON I don't do drugs any more, even though they feel good. I don't because of this lie. Although I would prefer you don't do them, I figure you may take drugs to experiment. Again..not the best choice and one I hope you don't make, but you are going to have to learn to be responsible for yourself. But know this: if you go over the edge, I will be so in your face you won't know what hit you.

Many of the parents didn't like my approach, feeling like admitting the truth "gave permission" to take drugs. These same parents smoked when they were young, some still smoke. I look at their kids now. Many of the kids whose parents chose to lie to "protect"them are now pretty heavy drug users.

Feedback from my kids about feeling like my telling them my history gave them permission was mixed. None of them took it that I was giving them permission, but Cass said she could see that other kids might see it that way. I'm not sure what the answer is there and cannot begin to give "advice" to other parents. I'm happy to hear we are in a current trend of less drug use with teens. As trends tend to go in cycles, I'm not sure what the future holds.

I'm not sure how to bring a kid back from excess, not sure how they get there. I had a general parenting style of keeping a watchful eye, while pretty much putting my kids lives in their ball court. This style was consistent throughout their lives. I don't know how certain kids end up taking too many drugs and others don't. I don't know why my kids never ended up as material for a Jerry Springer show.

I wanted my girls to learn to police themselves because they have to do this their whole lives. This training has to start when they are young. No one can go from having their whole life controlled to being able to make decisions. We all have to go through trial and error periods. No adult functions if they are constantly looking to their parents (bosses, pundits, etc) to make all their moral decisions for them. The teen times are a time of learning what it is to be an adult. Sometimes in the learning we fall off the path to find our way back. If kids feel loved, respected, and have developed even a modicum of self esteem, they can go through periods that may look scary (and are to a parent) but then they come around once they have played out the curiosity. I can say with full certainty: if a child wants to experiment with drugs they will, no matter what a parent does or says. Yes, we can and do influence them, but in the end we cannot ultimately control them. It's not our life. It's theirs.

Informative Commercial Break-

If your child has an addiction they may require detox before they can become healthy again. If you suspect your child might be using drugs, look for some of the common signs like depression. Find out more about how to spot, and treat a drug addiction online.

Drugs from here

LSD Trip from here

South Park image from here

Eyeball image from here

Wizard of Oz as Hero's Journey from here

Carnival of Family Life

2007-05-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

An article of mine was included at The Carnival of Family Life over at Be A Good Dad. There are tons of good posts and I'm sure you will find something to connect with in these posts. As I am fairly new to this genre of blogs here in Blogland, I am appreciating being introduced to some lovely writers. I have chosen to just cut and paste the whole carnival here for easy reference as I have seen other Carnivals do...enjoy!!!

Karen presents Appreciating Mothers, Not Just THE Day posted at Write From Karen.
Garret presents So I just joined Myspace posted at Need to Get Some.
Lori Radun, CEC presents Finding Peace in Letting Go posted at The Mom Coach.
Melitsa presents What?s in the bag? posted at Play-Activities.com.
Maureen presents Trinity Prep School - Name That Tude…. posted at Trinity Prep School.
Tricia presents You’re Not Fat, You’re Wonderful posted at Blogging Away Fat.
Erica Douglas presents Stop Trying To Be a Perfect Parent posted at Littlemummy.Com.
alfaking presents Born again posted at Alfa King Memories.
Michelle presents Oh Yea? So What Is YOUR Child Wearing? posted at scribbit.
Jenny-up the hill presents My Donkey Fell On the Road! posted at Up the Hill Gang.
TherapyDoc presents Going Home, Part One posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Plus6 presents HOW TO: Lower Your Pet Costs posted at Plus6 Personal Finance.
Linsey B. Knerl presents My First Post and Other Oddities posted at Facipiers and Stinky Toes.
Summer M presents Taking a breather posted at Mom Is Teaching.
Tushar presents Shopping at Costco…the frugal way !! posted at Life of a Resident Alien….
manicmama presents A Cure for Colic? posted at manicmama.
GP presents The Apple of My Eye posted at Fish Creek House - INNside Innkeeping.
Summer presents Are you sure they’re brothers? posted at Wired For Noise.
Sherry presents She has her own sense of style posted at Chaos Theory.
Karen presents Gorgeous Despair posted at Write Stuff.
Romie presents MLO stays up to be with daddy posted at Romie’s Rants.
Ian presents I Think We are Officially a Large Family posted at Musings From A Catholic Bookstore.
Jenny presents Tips for getting little hands to help posted at the so called me.
kristen presents DIY’ers get nailed posted at Shakhammer.
Super Saver presents Lessons From My Daughter - Have Fun posted at My Wealth Builder.
Garret presents “Puppy Love” - a different perspective posted at Need to Get Some.
Henry Cate presents We love Colonial Williamsburg posted at Why Homeschool.
Joey presents Say Goodbye posted at Hearts A Fire.
Jeremy Adam Smith presents Jackie and Jessica’s Story: The missing piece of the puzzle posted at Daddy Dialectic.
Karen Murphy presents adventures in three-year-old land posted at Lion and Magic Boy.
Shera R. presents Another Cute Post posted at A Journey With Twins.
Rocketman presents Call My People posted at The Rocketman’s Change For A Dollar.
MLO is daddy’s little girl posted at Romie’s Rants.
Lill Hawkins presents Daughter’s Day posted at News from Hawkhill Acres.
Terri Mauro presents Kids Who Can’t Swim, Parents Barely Afloat posted at About Parenting Special Needs.
Karen Shanley presents Must Sea TV posted at Karen Shanley: Author Mom with Dogs.
Jordan presents Five Things Moms Do Right posted at MamaBlogga.
Jennifer presents Help Me Rhonda … Get Him Off of My Leg posted at Parenting Toddlers.
Stacie presents Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics posted at The Twinkies.
Kailani presents Conquering Your Fears posted at An Island Life.
Megan Bayliss presents Melt and Mould Soap Making posted at Home Schooling Aspergers..
Jenny presents I missed Mother’s Day posted at the so called me.
Pamm presents More Letting Go….. posted at We Survived The Teens.
sara presents poop stories posted at fiveberries in texas.
therapydoc presents Courage posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Shamelle presents Are We There Yet? posted at Enhance Life.
Erica Douglas presents Remember Your Purpose Outside of Parenting posted at LittleMummy.Com.
Melitsa presents Play activity: How does your garden grow? posted at Play-Activities.com.
Tracee Sioux presents The Voice in My Head posted at So Sioux Me.
Kendra Dahlstrom presents Different Views on Natural Birth posted at vbacadventure.com.
Karen Lynch presents Meditation Rules posted at LivethePower.
Anna presents PARENTS GONE STUPID posted at On The Ponderosa.
Megan Bayliss presents Christine Aguilera Abused as a Child posted at Imaginif….
Hueina Su presents Journey into Love posted at Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul.
Craig Harper presents Gill’s Story posted at Motivational Speaker.
Eric presents How To Get Your Kids To Love Taking Medicine posted at Husbandhood.
Annette Berlin presents Free Toys For Older Kids posted at Frugal Journey.
supermom_in_ny presents Target, Bratz and the Number 11 posted at Snow White, 7 Dwarves and PDD.
almomento presents 10 Steps to Better Efficiency in Your Day to Day Life posted at BurstCreativity.
Donna Jean presents Costs of Summer: Work and Camp posted at The Weight of Money.
Sherry presents Making a mother posted at Chaos Theory.
Thad Guy presents Defense Against Toddlers posted at Thad Guy.
Colonel Cash presents Educating Kids for global competition posted at A Place For Dad’s.
Jonathan PIppenger presents A Little Bit of Forgiveness posted at Growing Up With The Kids.
Rachel Starr Thomson presents small ones posted at Inklings.
Lorri presents A Little Excitement posted at The Mac and Cheese Chronicles.
Cory Aldrich presents HIStory - Part I: “He’s Got Nice Hair” posted at marriageactually.com.
Kerri Aldrich presents A Fun Visit to the Dentist posted at Play Library.
Cade Krueger presents Moms, Family, and Our Purpose for Business posted at Make Money Business Opportunity @ Write To Right.
Brent Diggs presents The Ominous Comma » Progeny Pride posted at The Ominous Comma.
Stephanie presents $200 Toward Debt posted at Stop the Ride!.
Vicky presents Why do parents join online communities? posted at Little Legends Blog.
Leisa presents Dinosaurs looking down posted at downwiththekids.net.
Csara presents Realizing my baby isnt such a baby anymore posted at Baby Talkers.
ispf presents Money and Relatives posted at Grad Money Matters.
Dianne M. Buxton presents Buddha’s Birthday at The Gentle Barn posted at manifestingsuccess.
Fun Playdates presents Flower Jewelry Craft for Kids posted at Fun Play Dates.
Kevin presents Kids And Money - Have Your Child Earn It posted at More4kids Parenting.
mom & dad presents Fire Ants and Kids Don’t Mix (Plus, How to Treat Stings) posted at raising4boys.com.
WhyMommy presents Culture Shock. posted at Toddler Planet.
Mama Duck presents Messy party ideas part 2: Homemade slime posted at Lil Duck Duck.
:: Suzanne :: presents :: adventures in daily living ::: chores posted at :: adventures in daily living ::.
Next week’s Carnival of Family Life is going to be hosted at Colloquium.
You can submit your entries through the Blog Carnival’s website at this link.

Fancy Hair

2007-05-20T07:55:00.001-07:00

Parents always need to have a clear understanding of their strengths and weaknesses in order to remain conscious about what they do effects their kids. When Starla was about 3, I learned I cannot do hair. Some things will ever remain a mystery to me.

My poor girls. They were young when people were doing all sorts of fancy braids, flip ups, creative ponytails. There were fancy things to do with multiple butterfly hair clips, small bows, bands, toothed thingies, barretts. Options in our household were hair down, or in a straight ponytail. I couldn't even get the two ponytails thing right.

It's not that I didn't try. They would come to me with a brush, some hair ties and frilly-dillies with a sweet trusting look on their cute little faces. Each time I would remind them of my lack of ability in this department. Each time they would assure me that I did fine and PLEEEEEASE would I just do their hair. I would. It would look awful, but they would tell me it looked grand. When I picked them up from school, the hair do would be out, hair flowing free.

Starla, Kailyb and I were at the pastry shop after our lovely time at the Farmer's market yesterday when I saw a little girl if about three with perfect little ponytail puffs on each side of her haid. The part was perfectly straight, and the puffs were at the perfectly matched place on each side of her cute little head. I reminded Starla of when she was young and how I could never do her hair for her and she started to laugh. She told me that sometimes the hairdo would just fall out, but that, yes, there were times when the minute she got to school and I was out of sight, she would pull it out.

Kids are so sweet.

Fancy Braid from here

French braid from here

Cornrowing from here

Homebirth Twilight Zone

2007-05-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

I was a midwife from 1980-1986. For anyone with bad math skills that's at least 25 years. The reason I say that is because I am reading homebirth blogs and I feel like I am in 1980 on one on the homebirth "debate."

Why are the issues that we dealt then with still the issues? What's happened? Or hasn't happened?

About midway through being a midwife, Vaginal Birth After Cesareans were just starting to be acceptable. By the time I stopped, there was hope. I thought they had become commonplace, but I now find out that it's WORSE than it was back then. WTF???

The same bloody arguments, which we all know aren't true, are still be used to justify taking away a woman's right to choose the attendant and location of her birth...or at least attempting to shame her as an unfit parent, murderer or abuser. One upside is that I think it's easier to find a midwife now. I know in California you can find a midwife licensed by the state and not have to fear about anything. When I did a search online, I found a number of states that I don't remember having legal lay midwives when I was practicing. So all that's good.

But it still sounds like all the same issues in hospital births that we railed against: constant monitors, having to lie down to give birth, increased intervention, increased C-Sections. It's depressing.

What I would like to suggest is this. I'm thinking that if the docs are still so concerned about homebirth safety issues, that they do all they can to HELP midwives and parents have a safe one. Then they can concentrate on the women who actually WANT their services and try to provide them with good care....not the waiting for hours at each pre-natal appointment...not the insensitive care that I am hearing women talk about. Quit intervening and causing more problems. Hey...I know it gets scary being responsible for a life and that it's easier to live with yourself thinking that you did all you could do. But goshdarnit, if you can't deal with the ups and downs of birth, get the hell out and quit interfering with my daughters' choices.

picture from here

Find out more about pregnancy and giving birth online. Learn about the signs and symptoms of pregnancy all the way the how to avoid or treat post-partum depression, even nutrition facts for expectant mothers and much more.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

There is a picture book I saw when I was in my early 20's. I don't remember it's title or author/photographer. The book started with a picture of a grandfather in his prime holding his diapered baby grandson in his arms. Each page in the book was a chronicle of both growing older. The boy grew older, taller, stronger. The Grandfather grew older, shorter, weaker. By the end of the book he was in a room alone, with a diaper on. The last pictures were of the grandson holding the diapered grandfather.

This book stays with me. It's about life.

On this Mother's Day, I have two daugthers who have let me know that I can count on them to make sure my diapers are changed when I am an old woman....and they were even sober when they made the promise. While neither has committed to doing the job full time themselves, they let me know that if I ever get to the point of needing that kind of care, they will be there for me.

I can think of no greater gift for a child to give a parent. I am blessed.

Heart by Ann Erpino.

More Letting Go.....

2007-05-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

When Cass was young, her sisters would always tell me she was lying and making up stories. When I would listen to her I would always have these unbidden feelers go up. Something wasn't quite right here...was it a lie?.....what's going on here? I watched her, trying to figure it out. What I came up with was an intuitive hit that she wasn't lying....she just saw the world differently and so thought what she was saying was true. I tried to explain it to her sisters, but they weren't going for it. To this day, I don't know if she was or not.

But I have carried this with me. I hold on particularly because of a couple of incidents that supported my idea.

The most informative one was during a Christmas season. She was five and we were living in the country. Her sisters were at some function and we had to hang out around town waiting. Since we had time to kill, I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall so she could do her shopping for her sisters' presents. Her reply was that she didn't have her money with her so could we go get it. I said how about I just give her money to buy the presents for her sisters so she could save her money for something else. She told me she had forgotten her money...so please could we go get it? She didn't have it and needed it. I said I would give her money so she didn't need hers. We went back and forth like this until she got so distraught she started to cry.

I stopped the car, looked in her eyes, told her to breathe and listen with all her ears. I said it to her in another way, in a number of ways, very slowly explaining more and more that she didn't need her money...that I would give her $10 and she could buy the presents. Then when she got home, she could have the $5 she had there. She was silent for a minute then slowly her face started to change and she smiled.

There were other situations and stories that told me her brain processes things differently than most people. I have said repeatedly that if she is one of ten people in a room, nine people will hear roughly the same thing, but she will hear something different, then take it places internally that everyone would. I know my brain works differently than most, but our two are nowhere near each other.

Now at 19, in her womanhood, I still carry this idea about her processing with me and get concerned for her ability to operate in her world. She has proven that she can in so many ways that go way beyond what most have done by her age....so why do I worry? It influences how I act and respond with her. I keep being vigilant in ways I no longer need to be and that are getting in the way of her feeling her independence.

We had another incident the other day where I got nervous that she wasn't hearing things the way they were meant and that she may be jeopardizing her job. Specifically she is scheduled to work on Saturday night and is going out of town. When I said that it was nice she got it off..nice she had found a replacement, she said something that sounded odd to me. I have never heard of a system where when you want off, you just tell your fellow employees and they have to work it out. In my world you make sure it's covered, you tell the boss, you write it on the schedule or have something written down. But when I mentioned I had never heard of that, she got pissy and kindly asked me to not ask her questions anymore. I learned that when I ask, feels she has to "answer to me." I was happy to have the opportunity to remind her I have no investment in her doing anything for me. Ick. I just get concerned for her.

And I am learning. Even though her sisters wanted my gentle wisdom, my ideas, my experience, it doesn't means she does or has to. She's made it clear she wants none of it unless she asks for it. While she acknowledges and feels my questions are "sweet" (her words), for where she is right now, she would appreciate if I keep them to myself.

OK.

Eye of the Beholder taken from here

Rainbow eye (my name for it) from here.

Letting Go from here

Teens and Sex

2007-05-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Cass took a Sociology of Sexuality class in college last semester. This is interesting, I says to myself...what a pleasant surprise. At the beginning of the class, they were to write a paper on things that influenced their sexuality. Part of the paper was to talk about how their parents' views on sex impacted them. She asked me to proof her paper so I got to see a piece of how she sees herself.

She felt that she had an odd experience growing up because her parents came from totally opposite perspectives in the sexual realm. Her perception of us is that her father is a Christian and says that sex is only OK in marriage. Her mother (that would be me), on the other hand, will sleep anything with a hole or protuberance (animal, vegetable, mineral, human) walking down the street whether she knows them/it or not. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I thought that really interesting.

Cass is somewhere in the middle of her perceptions of her parents. She says that she has to feel a strong connection with her partners, but she doesn't really need to be "in love." All things "Cass" are about balance. She wants, above all, to have that in her life. Gotta love her.

I was always very open with my girls, tried to support them having a healthy relationship with their bodies and sex. I suggested they wait until they felt safe, and to only participate if they wanted to. I offered to help them get birth control and condoms and told them they could be sexual in the house but this did not give their friends license to use my house for sex.

In their own ways they have each communicated to me in random conversations that they are very careful in their safe sex practices. I don't know if kids whose parents have a "just say no" policy are as careful...statistics and my experience would suggest not. I do know that visiting friends from the homes of the strictest parents were the ones I had to watch the closest. When their parents were not around they went nuts in an open, respectful, trusting environment. They could not handle the responsibility of their own bodies and all did very self-destructive things.

I could be, and initially was, afraid that my girls would be physically or emotionall hurt...that they might get pregnant or a fatal STD. But I trust that if young people are given the power to control their own lives and are given information they will use it wisely. Teens are far from stupid. They want to live, they want to succeed, they want to be happy. Even at the age of 13.

When a parent provides a controlling wall in the teen years, the wall and the parental construction and maintanance becomes the issue rather than the subject itself. If you tell a kid not to have sex, then you give them a cause, something to fight so that they can assert themselves and show themselves and the parent that they are independent. If you remove the artificial wall and replace it with unconditional love and a safe space for young people to get information, you make it their responsibility to make informed conscious decisions. They have nothing and no one outside of themselves to "blame," nothing to fight, no wall to butt up against. Life brings them their lessons from their choices. It's all about them, not the fight.

I understand that parents provide walls and try to control out of fear. I know it's hard to trust that our children will be guided and be OK. I understand it's one of the most difficult tasks in life to watch them go through something that is painful or may be dangerous for them. I know what it's like. I have been there, spending many nights crying, fretting, worrying for my girls who I
adore more than anything in the world. I want them safe. I want to protect them.

But the thing is...I can't. Because even when I do everything "right" I have no control whatsoever over another's life. When we try to control anyone we usually create that which we fear the most. So while finding a dildo might freak out many parents of an eighteen year old, it made me very happy when I found one in one of my girls' bedrooms. I would have been happy if she was fifteen. I am happy she and her sisters feel good in their bodies. Each chose a different route of expression, but I never hear any of them feeling hurt or shame or emotional damage. And in this day and age of mixed messages about sex (dress like a slut, but never "do it.") and the total confusion it gives kids, that's Big.

Divine Dancers by Henry Pellisier

The Virgin by Gustav Klimt

Moon Goddess Diana by Howard David Johnson

Children's Books by Barbara Berger

2007-05-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

I am a bookaholic and spent lots of time in stores when my kids were young, trying to find books that touched me and that I would be willing to read over and over. To tell the truth, I look from time to time in bookstores these days I am not finding anything that matches what was around when my kids were little.

Barbara Berger never disappointed. All her books were among my kids' favorites. The texts are gentle, like a breath of soft air. The illustrations glow.

These are some of the ones we have:

Grandfather Twilight, above, is the story of a kind man who takes one pearl from a string every evening and walks through a magical forest to the sea, the pearl growing with every step.

When the Sun Rose is a sweet story of imaginary friends who meet in a secret playhouse.

Gwinna is a book for older kids and talks about transformation and being proud of who you are.

The Donkey's Dream is a beautiful retelling of the Nativity.

And Animalia is an exquisite book for kids mid-aged. It has a number of one page vingettes on the special magical relationship that is possible between humans and animals. This was one of Morgan's all time favorites and one she still refers to today.

All images from Barbara Helen Berger's site.

They can be purchased from Amazon.

The G Word

2007-05-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

Christmas five years ago, my oldest daughter, Starla and I were in the kitchen. She looked at me and earnestly said: "Mom, I want you to start getting ready and preparing yourself emotionally because Kevin and I want to have a baby."

She knew I was going to have a difficult time identifying myself as "grandmother." Back then, I was subracting a year from my age every birthday. My kids got so used to it, they have no idea how old I am today.

One thing was sure, though, I didn't want to be hearing "Grandma" or any other other G words every day. The closest one that might possibly have worked was Grandee, which I guess is the Brit form. But my mom had used that one and I got superstitious about it (she died). We settled on Nona. Yes, it's the Italian word for Grandmother, but I don't speak the language it doesn't have the same associations for me.

So two years after that conversation in the kitchen, I was two years younger. On my birthday that year, I got to help Kailyb birth. I was the first person to touch his head (from the outside). He was born in my house on my bed and we've been tremendously bonded ever since.

Today, Kailyb is three and half (unlike me, he gets older every year). This morning we got to do our every Saturday ritual of Starla, he and I going to the Farmer's Market then getting coffee. Well, actually he gets pastry and water, we get coffee. Today after that all important food/drink portion of our ritual, Starla decided she wanted a 10 minute shoulder massage. I was happy to sit with Kailyb and hold him while she did.

I gave him butterfly kisses all over his sweet little neck and got to listen to him giggle, watch him close his eyes to feel. We were sitting in the sun, it's a glorious day and I really can't say that I could be any more blessed than to have been gifted with being a Grandmother.

Butterfly image from Wetcurcuit

Telling The Kids About The Divorce

2007-05-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

Like most couples, my ex and I had a difficult time coming to our decision to divorce because of having kids. Breaking up a family is not an easy thing to do and I don't know anyone who has done so lightly.

I have no idea what works for other families. In our case, we weren't loudly screaming at each other 24/7. But the relationship had died and there was constant and consistent tension. We were miserable. We were on different paths and couldn't find a way to walk side by side. We had no common tools, no reference point for bridging the gap that years of distance had created. Even though we were getting along better a the time of our decision than we had in years, we were done.

At the point of decision, we were in accord. But how to tell the kids? And when? We knew we wanted to wait until summer vacation so that they would have time to adjust without having school considerations. It was March when we decided to divorce. That left three months. Patrick wanted to wait to tell them. I didn't. I couldn't walk around with the knowledge I had and not tell them about something that would rock their world so completely. I agreed to wait, but after a few days could no longer look them in the eyes and feel clear with them. I forced the issue with him and told him I would tell them.

We did it after dinner one night. It wasn't easy. We told them we both loved them and would not abandon them. The major consideration for them, as I remember it, was Christmas. How would we do Christmas? Patrick and I agreed to celebrate it as a family, no matter what. This helped them in the moment.

Although the three months were not always easy it was pretty clear from the beginning that it was a very good thing for the kids that we did it this way. We had time to grieve as a family. We did lots of things together, talked to them lots about what the changes would be and the implications of all of it. We got to cry together. They had time to process and sift and sort, to prepare themselves mentally for what was to come and do it in an environment of support from both mom and dad. This is not to say that we made no mistakes. But overall, I think it helped them tremendously.

And they've given me feedback a number of times that they appreciate the way it was handled. It's always so funny to get feedback from them about their perceptions of their childhoods. They had no idea we were having problems to the degree we were. They knew we fought from time to time, but they had no clue as to the tension and disharmony that existed between us. For this, I am also thankful.

Times got weird after the actual split up. I won't go into that now, will save it for another post. But suffice it to say, while not easy in the moment, there are ways to lessen the pain and trauma of divorce. Now that they are grown, they thank me for getting the divorce. They admit that it wasn't easy, but that it was a good thing for them, too. They just ask me why we stayed together so long.

Photo and Art Credits:

Different Paths Photo from here

Divorce Art from Salon

Holding Hands picture from here

Information:

If you are researching your own family's past there are hundreds of websites created to help your genealogical search. With millions of public records available you can find birth and death certificates and marriage and divorce records that can help you re-trace your history.

When Your Kids Won't Eat Spinach

2007-05-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Really truly they will like this. I won't say I promise, but I will say that most anyone in the world loves this. It's devoured at potlucks by kids of all ages...even ones that don't like veggies. When I made this for my family, I always made a huge tray....the kids ate most of it. Even though they are grown, they always fight for more when I fix it these days. When Starla was about 3, she ate half of the tray all by herself. And now her son follows in her footsteps. It's that good.

3 eggs
6TB of flour. I often use gluten free or rice/oat mix.
A couple of pounds of washed spinach
1 1/2c cottage cheese (small curd is best)
Cheddar cheese....I use about two cups
Wheat germ (optional)
Tamari/Soy Sauce (if you are gluten free, be sure to check if it's wheat free)

Great for a food processor. Chop up spinach. You will have to do this in batches. When done chopping, put eggs and flour in then whiz until blended. Add cottage cheese, but only spin until it is mixed (about two seconds) because you don't want the cheese to get chopped, too. Put in spinach again and mix. Turn into a bowl. Then shred the cheese in the processor. Mix about 2/3 of it with the spinach mix. Put in dish pan 9"x 14." Put on remainging cheese. Top with wheat germ if you want a crustier top. Bake at 350. Check at 45 minutes, but it will probably take longer. It's done when it's golden brown on top and the middle is set. Sprinkle as desired with Soy Sauce at the table.

Oh boy...yum...see kids scarf. And they don't even know it's healthy. Protein, vitamins don't matter cuz it's just plain good.

Informative Commercial Break....

Sometimes kids need help knowing what's good for them, whether it's eating vegetables or teaching them about kids online safety. From predators to dangerous sites that compromise computer security, get more tips on helping your children navigate the internet online.

Seeing

2007-04-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am remembering a time with Morgan. She was a junior in high school (wow..not that long ago, really). She was taking way too many classes, was working and volunteering. All this means she was way over extended. Stress was the order of the day.

And as such, as in all living situations where we feel safe enough to be mean, she was being a major bitch most of the time.

One day, I remember being at her bedroom door. For whatever reason, she was having a teen temper tantrum. Immediately I felt my walls go up. I started to engage. Then I looked at my baby. I went inside her to what was underneath the yelling. I flashed on what I feel like when I feel what she was acting out.

I breathed, I looked at her and I asked: "Do you need a hug?"

Stop.

She catches her breath, looks shocked, her eyes burning into mine. I see her body twitch, her face contort as she breaks into sobs. I held her for a long long time until she was done.

I wish I could remember the power of seeing deeper in every situation where people are acting in ways that scream pain.

image borrowed from Theoloblog

Breakfast With Cass

2007-04-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

We don't hang out much. Even though she still lives at home, we have our separate lives. She's a busy college student, I am focused on work. Plus, we have our dynamic that gets in the way.

We had it again at breakfast. For the most part, we just talked, laughed and had a good time. At one point it almost slipped over the edge, but we caught our dynamic at work, changed the subject in enough time to let it go. I wish it wasn't there. Darnit..it shows up when I least expect it and it catches me off guard. Whenever I don't agree with her or have any sort of suggestion or difference in viewpoints, she sees it me criticizing her. As I'm just talking like I would with anyone else, I don't guard myself for her reaction. I step into it more than I want to. I lose my inner balance with her in ways that are unique to our relationship- this dynamic doesn't exist with anyone else on the planet.

"How is school going?"

"Fine. I am going to have to apply for financial aid again soon so just wanted to warn you."

"Oh, really? Wow...that's interesting. From what I understand, you apply by March 2 in California for the school year. But, OK."

"We have to apply then and then again for the next year."

"Huh? Well...ok..but that wasn't the way it was when I was in school ten years ago and then with Morgan for the past few years. But, ok."

"Well I guess all my counselors are wrong then, Mom, as they all said the same thing." (said with much agitation and sarcasm)

"OK...maybe things have changed."

This same interaction with anyone else wouldn't have had the energy, the anger behind it that she felt with me.

How is it that we change long term patterns with people we're in relationship with? It's an issue with marriage partners, friends and children. I know the steps, and it takes two. I feel we're getting better. Maybe all it takes is time, patience and being conscious that it exists. If we want it to change then I believe it will. I just wish it didn't exist. I keep wondering what happened that she feel so wounded in this way to feel so defensive with me. I wonder why much of what she says to me hurts. This dynamic doesn't exist with the other girls.

It kind of reminds me of my family situation. Our experience of our parents is so different that my sister and I have decided we were raised by a different set of parents. I came to terms long ago that much of what I thought were the my parents problems had lots more to do with me and the fact that they were learning (I am the oldest). I don't have that luxury with Cass, though. I was well versed in the parenting department when she came along. Or should have been.

I don't think that parenting styles is the only thing at work in how we influence our childrens' lives. Whatever we do, whatever we say has to go throught their unique filter and be interepreted and incorporated by them. We have no say, no control in this. Families are all just living together working with who and what we are.

Art:
Maternity, Nature and Peace by Sunol Alvar

Getting Out Of The Way

2007-04-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

My middle daughter, Morgan, is in Germany right now, living her dreams being an actor. Her part is in German. She doesn't speak German. Before she left she was working at it lots to get the part down but was struggling. She's doing the project with a young man she sees as her soul mate. They were having issues before she went over. She was worried about losing time at work, how she was going to be able to keep up with her bills, worried about the part, had stress all the way around. She kept calling me to talk it through and I, for the most part, would keep my mouth shut. But at one point, I felt I had to ask her why she was going.

Before she left, I was feeling protective. I was worried for her, made sure she had the calling card before she left because I was "sure" she was going to be continually calling me in pain like she's done for so many years. She still believes she needs my support to keep emotionally balanced.

This morning, while walking with my good friend, I was recalling my mother, dead now for seventeen years. I was telling my friend that I felt sad about never really getting to know her; that she died before I really got the chance to know her as her instead of her as "my mom."

It wasn't until her death that I started to ask questions about her which my age finally gave me perspective on--like looking at the subjects she chose when she did her art. The bulk of her paintings are either family or sacred art. I remember back to the things she exposed me to, political issues, cultural perspectives, sociology, history, art. At a very early age, she exposed me to other ways of thinking that were unusual for the times. She was an interesting woman, with interesting ideas who grew up and came into adulthood at a time when women weren't supported for their uniqueness as much as they are today.

From my perspective, how I read her life, is that she had all this aliveness going on but didn't have the strength to fight the times to express it fully. She had an art scholarship to study in Brussels then got pregnant with me so didn't go. Just when she got life in order for herself, got a job which would have totally suited her designing window displays at Marshall Fields in Chicago. She got pregnant with my brother. This kind of took care of her dreams of being an artist.

My ideas about my Mom are that she kept herself small to maintain what she thought was the "right" thing for a woman and mother to do. She sublimated who she was. In the meantime, she ran a very clean and organized house, loved us dearly. She was always cautious. I was overly protected, always told to watch myself in life, to look both ways, to think ahead, to be safe.

I look at Morgan. I look at my Mom. I look at myself being a Mom to Morgan. I see the remnants and unconscious ways in which I carry my Mother inside me. I see the pieces and parts of wanting my girl to be happy so wanting to protect her. I tell her to think ahead, to plan, to consider, to try to mitigate the negative possibilities that could occur--just like my Mom did for me, just like she lived her life.

For awhile now, even though Morgan asks for my perspectives, I've been telling her I don't want to give them to her. She pushes me, asking for my views because she tells me she sees me as wise. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I remain quiet.

She's flying over there. Every obstacle she encountered is flowing away like magic. She's been invited back to act and pursue other projects, even though she doesn't speak the language. The relationship is flowing and she's making other contacts. And when I think of how I was so concerned for her about going I'm happy I kept most of my fears to myself.

This guiding your children thing is not an easy one to navigate. There's a wiggly line between wanting to "educate" or give another perspective and teaching them to not trust their Inner Voice. When my kids reached their teens I adopted a pretty hands off sort of parenting style, but I am now seeing the subtlities of "suggestions" and "wanting to guide" as being an insidious element in their lives that if not watched and incrementally toned down as they age. If not, all that loving intention might get in the way of some pretty exciting living. Life is about taking chances. As parents we want our kids to be happy in their choices. I understand why my Mom kept trying to control my life in all the myriad, loving ways she did. It's not easy to stand and watch our kids when things "seem" like the cards are stacked against them. But I think it's vital.

The photo is of the South Pillar region of Carina Nebula. I copied it from our government space place, NASA. It's a place where stars are born. It's about creation.

The Thing About Organic Food Is.....

2007-04-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

Moths!!!!

The little buggers are everywhere! I've taken pride over the years in buying organic foods. I buy my organic grains, flours, all my spices, lots of my teas in bulk. I learned long ago from smaller infestations to put everything in the freezer a few days before storing, but even with that precaution I have the worst crop of them EVER!

I have those little sticky traps in the kitchen, the garage and the library. They are supposed to last three months and mine last three weeks. The sticky stuff gets all fuzzy from their little death throw flutterings and no longer traps their friends. I spend time every few hours walking around with my broom squishing them while imagining myself to be

Our Old Friend, The Grim Reaper

Or.....

Hecate, the Goddess of Death.

I've searched high and low for their food source, scoured out shelves, checked here and there and I cannot find what keeps them here. It's been suggested that I am attracting them from the pheremones in the traps so now I keep all the doors closed, even though my Spring is always a time when they are open.

I am beginning to wonder if this is a sign of the beginning of the Tribulation.

Even though it's been tremendously fun to be a mass murderer and get agressions out, I'm sick of them. I guess chemicals have their place.

Photo credits:

Mothra from Monster Island News

Hecate from Hecate (so I figure they know what she looks like)

The Grim Reaper from Starcraft.org

Informative Commercial Break:

If you are looking for organic food and herbal remedies you can find great resources and products online. Whether you simply want to eat healthier or for homeopathic joint pain relief you can find exactly what you need and order it to your home.

My Birth Stories

2007-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

But not my birth pictures*.....

Starla's Birth

I was not in tune with my body at all. As I had been anorexic awhile in high school, I had a history of missed periods. So when I got pregnant with her, I was such a ditz, I didn't even think pregnancy a consideration. My breasts changed, my nipples were darker. But it wasn't until my sixth month when I got back from a hitchhiking trip with my husband and was lying in bed, put my hand on my belly and felt a big bump and said..hm...it's either a baby or I have cancer.

We got drunk the next afternoon when we got the positive pregnancy test back. I was a smoker and a drinker that pregnancy. My first question was "how the hell does one even BE pregnant in this country? (meaning what were the steps in getting a doctor, and all the basic life skills it involved). Like I said...not that connected....and I will now add not tremendously conscious.

It didn't seem like I was pregnant too long (well...because I wasn't conscious of it too long). The labor was short and intense. We had just gotten back from a road trip down south the night before. I was almost asleep when I felt pressure, jumped out of bed as my bag of waters popped. Five hours later she was born.

But only after and incredibly intense labor in the hospital. First time labors, from three centimeters dialation (when active labor generally sets in...10cm is called complete) until delivery, are on average about eight hours. I was three when I got into the hospital. It was so fast, no one even paid attention to me because they thought I was still in labor. They did give me an enema (yes....those were still done in '79) which really made it kick in.

I was puking with every contraction. Lovely. My husband was completely freaked out as we had only attended a couple of classes (we were "officially" early given the obstetrician assigned due date) and he felt lost with how intense it was. It got pretty funny when they realized I was complete and pushing when they thought I was still at 4 centimeters dialation.

As I had never seen a baby born before, when she came out all bluish pink and covered in goo, quiet, I remember thinking...oh....that's sad...she's dead. But she wasn't. She pinked right up. Three minutes after she was born, the doctor decided the placenta needed to be out, so he vigorously massaged my uterus. It was so forceful that tons of blood splashed all over him and the wall. After the birth, I shook violently.

When everything calmed down and we were alone, she looked into my eyes and we stared for a long time. I cried. This was a very old, very wise soul. I was in love. I will never forget that moment.

Morgan's Birth

I had been a midwife for a number of years. I was not smoking. We had kindasorta been talking about maybe having another kid but were still using birth control. One time we had protected sex and three days later I knew I was pregnant. I had quit smoking years before, didn't drink. I ate really well, took care of myself.

Four of my midwife friends were my attendants at my homebirth. The day I went into labor was a planned "take out a tree stump day," so that is where my husband's focus was. I had been having practice contractions for weeks. That day, I had a contraction that would catch my attention, then not have one for a half hour. Have two then have none forever. I felt like it was labor day, but was totally confused as to when that might be. I called my friends to let them

know to be ready, but wasn't ready for them to come over yet.

It went on like this until the afternoon. Then I was ready, even though I wasn't really having many contractions and they weren't very strong. I told everyone to come over. My friend and midwife partner, Jean, checked me...I was at 6cm. I told her "break the fucking bag." She did. I had about ten stronger contractions...still far apart. Then I puked. I had ten more contractions, puking a bit more each time. Then Morgan came quietly into the world. No crying. Nursed, happy, calm, sweet with her sister and father right there. I shook violently after the birth.

The midwives made us a meal, cleaned my house and left us a happy family.

Cassidy's Birth

I had always been in charge of birth control. Because I could always tell where I was in my cycle by my cervical mucous, part of my system was to not have sex when I was getting close to ovulating. One marginal mucous Saturday morning, Patrick wanted to fuck. I thought it unwise, but he persisted. I told him, fine but he had to wear a condom. It fell off.

I spent the whole weekend "talking" with her spirit. Finally, I told her that if she wanted to come in, I was ready to be her Mom. I felt myself ovulate the next day. I felt her enter me.

All during Cass' pregnancy, I kept thinking I didn't want any attendants at the birth. I wanted to do it alone, preferably in some field. I have no idea where these thoughts came from but they persisted. However...the day of her birth it was a zoo. We had the Starla and Morgan, my husband, four midwife friends, one extra trusted friend to be a care person to be there for a very young Morgan, and two extra midwives' kids. I spent most of the time in the bathroom or the bedroom, requiring the door to be shut. No one allowed in. It felt like my cave.

I had putsyputsy labor with her, too. But then I kicked into an active labor pattern for a few hours. I puked. I stayed in my hovel until the very end. I wanted it dark, required everyone to be quiet. I felt like an animal. Hers was the first birth I did on all fours. She came out with her arms wrapped close up on her chest so that when her shoulders cleared, her arms were out, embracing the world before the rest of her body came in between contractions. After the birth I shook violently.

She wouldn't open her eyes, though....kept them closed tightly. I asked for more privacy, but there was definitely was tons of noise in the house behind that door. Eventually we had to move into the living room for them to clean up the birthing bed. We stayed in a chair until everyone left. Starla, Morgan and Patrick were all asleep when the final midwife left. As the door clicked shut, Cass' eyes opened. And stayed open for quite some time looking into mine in the stillness of the night.

*Photo credits from top down

Pregnant Belly from Organic Baby Style

Hospital Bed from Istockphoto

Homebirth picture from Minnesota Families For Midwifery

Homebirth baby in hanging cloth scale from River and Mountain Women's Health

Mother and Child on Bed from BirthSpirit

The What If? Game

2007-04-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

My Dad used to be a lawyer who fancied himself a philosopher. Some of my favorite memories of him are when he used to try and get us to think. He would always try to "train our minds" by continually taking the Devil's advocate position.

When my kids were growing up, I took this theme and created a game with them that I named the "What If?" game. Basically, I would give them a scenario that would involve having to make an ethical judgment call.

One day, Morgan and I were doing something, can't remember for the life of me what it was.

"Mom...want to play the What If? Game?"

"Sure."

"What if someone came to you and told you that you had to choose one of your kids to have killed? That one had to die and you had to choose. Which one of us would you choose?"

"The one who asked a question like this in the What If? game."

Morgan

2007-04-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

taken from here

My middle daughter, Morgan, is an arteest. She's primarily into theatre, although she also paints and writes fabulously. After she graduated from High School, she moved to LA to pursue her lifelong dreams of "making it." She went to an Arts Academy then started working at a coffee shop to support herself.

She joined a theatre troupe. Most of the others in the troupe are older and more experienced than she is. She went through lots when she first started. She felt inadequate. Part of her process was that she had to come to terms with her anger around the fact that I was too busy to be a "soccer mom" when she was young. Not that she was into soccer, but I didn't cart her to various voice, dance and acting lessons when she was a kid.

In the end, she took the high road and remembered that people will create their lives in the ways they want them. There are plenty of people who get a later start in life and to sit and blame the past gets you nowhere. She's a pretty amazing person and in a very short time she came out stronger, seeing that all she needed to do in this situation was to just forgive herself for not being where she wanted to be (like she doesn't have an Oscar yet) and to be gentle with herself for not being "better" at acting because she is learning. That once she starts putting herself into something she ALWAYS masters, excels and shines in it.

I am so exceedingly proud of her for following her dreams. It is not always easy and given that she is, of course, a drama queen, I get plenty of anguished phone calls. She gets so caught up in things not being perfect from time to time, feeling like "her life is over" and she will never get to her goal. Each time we have to revisit that she IS accomplishing everything she dreamed of and is actually ahead of schedule. And, each month these phone calls get less and less frequent. She is becoming surer of herself as she takes her steps, one by one, and lives her dreams.

I admire all those who stick to something and perfect it- overcoming incredible odds both inside and out. Of the two, I see the biggest hurdles being the inner ones. The things we tell ourselves to not shine! I stand in awe of my daughter for, in the end, always keeping her sparkle no matter what's in front of her.

When Starla Grew Up

2007-04-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

photo taken from here

My girls are extremely different people. None of them has finished high school in a traditional way.

Starla, the eldest, was 15 when we divorced. She dealt with it emotionally by shutting down. She would spend days reading, in what we called "her nest." It was a corner she would make with pillows and a blanket. She would grab some food and get lost in her world.

Originally, our child custody agreement was that the kids would spend one week with my ex, then one week with me. When Starla was with me, she would miss at least one day per week of school. She needed the time at home to have full attention on her, to be able to heal. I talked to her school counselor, told her what was going on and it was agreed that as long as she kept up with her school work, it would be fine to continue. It was great--all I had to do was to call the counselor, tell her that Starla needed a home day and she would clear it. Sometimes she missed three days a week. But she kept her grades mostly A's with a B here and there so it worked out.

How did she finally get out of her depression? I took her to a talk given by a founding member of Greenpeace, one of the radical whale protectors. She woke up, got involved, found a reason to engage in life again. But that's not what this post is about.

When she was 17, I came back from being out of town for a few days and my house was full of hippies. Hm....says I...she likes one of these guys. I was right. She liked one of them so much, that after a few months of them being in town, she decided she wanted to become a part of their gypsy family. She was going to travel the country, feeding the poor, living a life of art, music and Rainbow Family consciousness.

Time to BREATHE deeply. Lots.

What about finishing high school? Have you thought about money? Where will you get it? How will you support yourself? Oh..you'll play music in parks? Um....it's October. And last night when you played music downtown how many people were there? 14. And how much money did you make? $27 And how long did that take? 4 hours. Hm...and do you think that a very efficient and effective way to make money?

And, Sweetie...they call themselves "The Kitchen" and say they are going to feed the poor, yes? Um...have you noticed that they either eat here or at the Jesus Center? Yes, Mom. I've thought about all of that and I still want to go.

I was terrified. I was impressed and excited that she felt confident enough in herself to do this.

What to do? She is obviously deeply in love with this man and he with her. She wants this. She has talked of leaving and travel. She wants adventure just like you wanted it at her age. But you, Pamm, were too caught up in "doing the right thing" at her age and did not have the courage to do it on your own. How to support her, how to give her the message that you trust in her and her choices and still help her to be safe???

She was totally committed to this. I feel that if I had not given her permission, there is a good chance she would have gone anyway. I was terrified for her, physically and where this might lead her with not finishing high school.

I gave her my blessings with two conditions. I would not financially support her. That if she thought she could do this, I would not stop her. But I was not comfortable with her decision about leaving school so would not support that. If she felt she could be mature enough to do this, she would have to make it on her own. The only thing I would support and require was that I would get her a phone card. And she had to promise me that she would call me every night and tell me where she was, when they were going to leave and where they were going next. I needed to know she was safe and where she was in case something happened. I needed to have some way to hopefully find her.

She left. I cried lots. I knew in my heart it was the best route for her development, but it scared me. Especially since I would have NO support in handling it this way from traditional childrearing philosophies. Many of my friends were shocked. Who the hell would give their kid blessings for taking a path that took her away from finishing high school? What kind of mother would let her kid take off with a bunch of smelly people who didn't have jobs on a road trip with no money? Would she end up dead? And if so, wouldn't I be to blame?

It was a very scary time. But I kept praying, kept trusting her Spirit to guide her. Kept asking mine to help me support her highest good.

So how did it end up?

They all got scabies. Her hands got badly infected and she had to figure out how to handle that. She and Kevin ended up getting frustrated with the group and left it within a few weeks. They decided to hitchhike to Iowa to be with his family. At one truck stop in Wyoming, they were informed that hitchhiking in that state is illegal. They were stuck there for three days. She had accidentally left her winter coat in the truck that had dropped them off. It was November. She got sick. When they got to Iowa, Kevin's mother let them stay there, but Starla was so sick, I guess she was pretty out of it. Eventually she got better, but hated Iowa because it was a foreign land to her. There was no food she would eat. The fridge was full of sodas, the bread was white, I think she was in her vegetarian stage. She had no friends, no loving warmth of family.

Then "reality" really hit her. She went to apply for a job. When she filled out the application, she understood what she had done. For the rest of her life, when she filled out an application for employment and got to the part about school that she would not be able to say she had graduated from high school.

I invited her back. I told her that she and Kevin could live with us until they got settled here with their own place to live. They arrived before Christmas (this made me very happy). She contacted the Home School program in January and finished her coursework within six weeks.

Amazing what self motivation can do for a person.

What I learned?

-That children have their own Path and we are not a part of it. It's our job to support them.

-I wonder if part of the reason that people stay at their parents' houses longer now is because we don't let them grow up, don't give them room to be individuals. I think we parents may foster dependence through our fears.

-That my highest intention of parenting was to foster healthy and whole emotional growth. And that sometimes this means that encouraging growth and nuturing my child to trust herself takes me places that touch my edges. But if I keep my primary intent and listen to My Inner Voice, instead of following the status quo and my fears, that so much more is learned and experienced than I can possibly imagine. She learned so much from that adventure that stays with her and made her part of who she is today. To have tried to stop this would have been a crime.

-That kids are smart. That even if they choose things we think are unwise in the moment, that they are being guided by their spirits to learn what they came here to learn. And if we get out of the way they will learn it on their own with no need for us to try and knock it into their heads.
And that there is no way I can ever know what they have come here to learn, be and live.

I'm so happy that things turned out the way they did. They might not have. She learned the lessons she needed on her own, overcame obstacles and grew. Did I do the right thing? Was there really any right choice? I think the greatest illusion we hold of parenting is that, in the end, we really have any control at all....

Choosing Motherhood

2007-04-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've always loved my girls. None of them were planned pregnancies. I've always called them "gifts." I love them, cared for them in the best ways I knew how and always put them first. But it wasn't until after my divorce that I truly embraced motherhood as a conscious choice.

After my ex and I separated, I was involved in a number of personal growth workshops. Many of them were in the Bay Area (I live in Northern California). I had always lived my life for others and was ready to live fully without being tied to anyone or anything.

This started to seep over into my feelings toward my children. Many of the others who participated in the workshops had left their families, making a break from their past in all sorts of ways. I had a few judgments about some of the women. It flipped me out that a Mother could choose to abandon her children. The more I looked at myself in those judgments, the more I saw that I was judging them because I felt trapped.

Part of inner growth work involves being completely honest with yourself, even if you don't like what you see. It's about learning to stop judging those parts of ourselves that are 'true' but that don't necessarily have support in the culture at large. It's about learning to embrace our Dark.

When I started to tell myself the truth about how I really felt about being a Mother, I discovered I didn't want to be one. I hated having my whole life revolve around having to take care of them. I resented that they had intruded upon my life, requiring my attention, requiring that I constantly and consistently devote everything I had to them. I hated that I was required to always lose my identity, forget about what I wanted for them. I had no life, I had these shackles.

And I started to entertain the idea of leaving them with their father, moving two and half hours away to be free. I started to imagine being one of those women who could abandon her children. I dealt with all my self judgments, all my internal voices about what an awful person I was to be able to even consider leaving them. I admitted that although I had energy around fathers leaving their kids, it had no comparison in my mind with the abomination of a mother leaving them.

I finally reached the point where I dealt with all those voices and gave myself permission to leave them.

But an odd thing happened. As soon as I gave myself permission, as soon as I dealt with all the reasons why I didn't want to be there and allowed myself to feel them and still see myself as an OK human being, the need to leave disappeared.

For the first time since I had been a Mom, I no longer felt obligated to be there. I was now there because of Choice. I wanted to be in their lives, finally felt it the primary place I wanted to be with all my heart and soul.

The kids felt it, too. I think we all know and feel the difference between someone who is there because they HAVE to be there and the ones who WANT to be there. And my kids finally had a Mom who was able to say to them: Your life, You are the most important thing to me. I want to be with you. I want to walk beside you, share in your life, be there for you.

When they were older, I told them about this time. At first they would get a scared look on their faces as I would be recounting the part about deciding to leave. But then their faces would beam when I got to that last part. Kids get it.

Cass

2007-04-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, my youngest daughter, Cass, told me she signed a lease for an apartment. She's moving out in July.

Finally.

I love her. I also like the person she has become. And of the three girls, she and I have the most strained relationship. I am used to being adored. Cass does not adore me. In fact, she's pretty critical both overtly and subtley. We talk about it and she does not know where her expectations of me come from.

I keep wondering if she/we will outgrow it. I keep wondering if we will be able to overcome our mutual wariness of each other. I get whisperings of it, and then this week she is aloof again, distant. She hears everything coming out my mouth as criticism. I get tired of her putting me down. The other two girls are constantly telling us we're weird together, that we have issues. It's true.

I admire Cass. When she was 17, she finished Homeschool early and didn't know what to do with her life. She took a few weeks moping, then one day when I was out of town, she called and said that her dad had suggested she be an au pair. She told me she had gone online, posted an ad with a few services and had a family who wanted her to start in Germany. She was gone in a month.

I was so impressed with her bravery. She didn't understand why, even when I told her most adults wouldn't do what she was doing alone- first job, first time moving out, living in a different culture where she didn't speak the language, moving in with people she didn't know. Pretty scary.

And once she got there, she understood. She struggled there trying to fit in and had a difficult time with the Mom. She quit and moved out within about six months because she was miserable after trying her best to make it go well. Actually, that time of her life was the one we were the closest. She needed me then and needed my daily calls to keep hold of herself. She would whine if I needed to get off the phone before an hour was up. She clung to the connection and the safety of home. It was sweet.

I've been reading Mommie blogs these last few days and it's made me think lots about when my kids were smaller. I am reminded of the tremendous amount of physical and emotional work it takes to raise a child, much less multiples. I remember back to when they were little and see how some aspects of their personalities have remained the same. And as they grow there are constant new little pieces of "them" that come out of the woodwork to surprise and thrill me.

I think she'll do fine. She is developing a social awareness that is seeping into our relationship a bit. She's had a sense of entitlement that has been at the core of much of our dynamic. But her eyes are opening, I think, to the Blessings that she has been afforded.

I'm excited that she is taking this step. Excited for her and for me. I am ready to move on from being a custodial Mom. The role of Mom will never leave, but it is different when the kids move out. I know that she is afraid of being able to "make it," but I have confidence she'll do well.

Tantrum Time

2007-04-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

from

I am a much better parent of teens than younger kids. Much.

Awhile back, I was in a store. There was a five year old girl there with her father. She was screaming, in typical five year old fashion. I have no idea what about, but I remembered those times when my kids might have had the same response to life when it was not going the way they wanted it to.

I looked at her, looked at the Dad and said to my friend:
"Give me drugs, sex and rock and roll any day over that!"

And I meant it. Any. Day.

No Means No (ages 1-5)

2007-04-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

"Mother and Child"Gustav Klimt

The most difficult job as a parent is to figure out how to raise a child safely so they grow with an inner sense of responsibility that leads them to trust in themselves. This is the basis for discipline. How do we teach our children to do the “right” thing and behave responsibly to themselves and others?

In watching my friends and the results of their parenting styles over the course of over 25+ years, I've seen a clear pattern. The children of parents who had strong and consistent guidelines when the child was young, then gradually let go of those boundaries and gave incremental and appropriate self-direction to the child did best.

These children grow up with a stronger sense of themselves. They aren’t as angry. They have more respect for themselves, others and the planet, do better in school, in relationships and at their jobs. My theory is that when kids are young, they need a framework within which to operate. The younger they are the more structure they want to feel safe because they're learning the boundaries of themselves as separate. Boundaries on the outside lead to learning to have them in place internally. The voice that suggests and sticks to a logical and reasonable course of action leads to the child internalizing that voice to the point where it becomes theirs.

We want our kids to have an internal compass, a place to refer to when they are in struggle, stress or unique situations that have no cut and dry answers but which require wisdom. So how do we help our children become all they can be? It starts with consistent, reasonable, loving structure. Never Waffle. No means no.

Believe me, I know for Moms it’s tremendously tiring to be on top of things all the time. But if you want your child to grow into someone who has their internal compass in place, you have to decide that when you say “no” you mean it. This means you have to be vigilant.

First you need to be vigilant with yourself. Make your no’s important, special. This means don’t have tons of them. Is it (whatever elicits the no) really important in this moment? Are you saying no because it’s in your kids interest or yours? Is what's going on life threatening? Will it harm or destroy something? Is it potentially dangerous, either physically, emotionally or spiritually? Is it practical (time to go now so don’t start a game?). Or is this something that just bugs you? Or are you just grumpy because you aren't taking care of yourself?

Thing is, better figure your reasons for saying no before you say it, because once you say it you have to enforce it. If you don’t, if you start saying no all over the place with no forethought and no intention of doing the work it may take to back that it up, you are setting yourself and your child up for huge problems. If no's are arbitrary, if they have no logic, how are kids to understand the bigger picture of how to act in the world? If they are constantly trying to figure out your rules, instead of the bigger rules that govern how to act in the world (which your smaller rules should be a reflection of), then how is it they will develop their own set of ethics?

To constantly have random no’s teaches a kid that they have to learn how to “play the game,” because the game is arbitrary. If your no's have reason, then the kid learns the underlying reasons that make boundaries important. Kids are smart.

When a child is very young (say 1-5), even if you discover that you've made a mistake, no still has to mean no and you have to follow through because at this very early age, you are trying to teach and this first thing to learn is consistancy/stability. Very young kids don’t need and cannot handle your lengthy explanations of the why’s and wherefores. I've watched kid after kid twitch when their parent tries to ‘reason’ with them. No means no. Pick them up, if needs be, remove them, distract them, give them something else to do. Then keep vigilant because they will often try to return to the activity.

If you ignore them and they get to do what you told them not to, then why would they listen the next time you say no? Each time you don't follow through, you teach them to be patient and wait you out and they will get their way. If you establish this pattern, put in your efforts and time early on, it’s money in the bank, so to speak for the future. Your kids will give you and themselves much less grief at age 8 if they learn at age 2 that you mean no. Just be sure it’s important. Make your no's worthy of being followed.

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4/17/2007 Quote For The Day

2007-04-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Teachers, Abraham, says of Parenting:

"You gave birth to them, now get out of their way!"

My All Time Favorite Midwife Story

2007-04-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

I was a lay midwife for about 6 years, doing homebirths. In that time I got to help close to 200 babies come into the world.

Midwives love to sit around and tell Birthing stories. We tell them because they touch us, they teach us, the make us laugh or they are truly unique with no catagory to place them in.

This one of those "unique" ones....

Three of us were there as the midwife team: Karen, Ella and me. The Mom, Carol, was a best friend of Karen’s. Karen was also good friends with the father’s parents, who were there at the house for the birth.

Carol was progressing well and she and Don, her husband, were alone in thier bedroom. We midwives were going in there every once in awhile to quietly check on things and take the baby’s heart tones (the way you make sure the baby is OK). We had just done our thing, all was going well and the three of us went into the living room to sit to give the parents some privacy.

The living room couch was on an angle, with a chair at one end, and a desk area behind it. Karen, Ella and I were sitting on the couch. Don’s Mom was in the chair, knitting, and his dad was reading the paper at the desk. My back was turned from the Grandma and Pa as I was at the end of the couch closest to them.

As the Grandparents were busy with themselves passing time, the three of us began to talk. I'm not too sure how we got on the subject, but Ella had just attended a midwife training workshop about emergencies and was talking about meconium.

A bit of background: Babies have this stuff in their bowel called meconium. It is very black and tarry. If the baby, at any time in the pregnancy is stressed at all, they will take a bit of a dump and let some of it out. Depending on the amount of stress and when the stress occurs, the amount in the amniotic fluid can be lots or very little and still formed or dispersed. Meconium is not automatically life threatening. It is always a concern. It becomes more of a concern the thicker it is because the baby’s lungs cannot inflate properly when the baby starts to breathe as the stickiness sticks to the tiny little lung passages. Not good, very very bad situation.

Meconium is much more common than you would think and in the vast majority of cases, problems can be avoided if the attendant does the right thing: the attendant has to suck as much of the meconium out as possible BEFORE the baby takes its first breath and gets all that stuff down in the lungs. The attendant does this when the baby’s head is out, but before the body is out, when the lungs are being naturally squeezed in the vagina with all the fluid coming out anyway. This happens between pushing contractions. The attendant always does tons of preventative suctioning with meconium, you do NOT mess with it.

At home, back then, we used a device that was restricted (we had to rely on friendly docs to get these for us) called a De Lee Mucous trap. This was a nifty little thing that had a compartment that trapped the baby’s mucous and meconium. There were two tubes leading into the trap. You put one in your mouth to provide suction, the other tube was inserted into the baby’s mouth and down the throat as far as you could safely go. You then suck and all the meconium is caught and left in the tube/trap.

Back to the story: There we are, three midwives sitting on the couch, Grandparents quietly doing their thing. I think that part of our comfort was that the grandparents had asked a few questions and we had talked back and forth, plus they were as close as a second family to Karen. Whatever it was we kind of forgot they were there.

Emma: So at this workshop, these women were talking about how if they didn’t have a De Lee that they were just using a catheter.

Me: You mean that they just stick the cath in the baby’s mouth, suck and …um…where does the mec go? In our MOUTHS???!!!???

Emma: Yeah…in fact, one of them said she only uses caths now..she says she feels like it gives her more control.

Karen and I are silent. I am not excited about the idea of that AT ALL. Of course I would not hesitate one nanosecond if there was no De Lee and meconium presented. I would actually do just about anything if there is an emergency. But...I would also make damn sure there was a DeLee ready, one next to it and plenty more in my bag as backup.

Karen: Well..I can see it.

Emma: Well, yeah...I mean at the workshop we began a discussion about it and talked about how it really is not all that different from swallowing come after giving head.

More silence as we think.

Me: Hadn’t thought of that one…but really...I would think that it would be much worse than swallowing come.

Karen: Ummm…Doesn’t everyone swallow come????

And then we proceeded discuss our views on swallowing versus not…. and what we do…. and how we do it for a few more minutes until…soft cough.

OOPS!!!!

Look of combined shock on three midwive’s faces as they remember Grandparents-to-be are in the room, now laughing hysterically. All of sudden it was time to take heart tones, get Carol some tea and make sure (again) that all the equipment was ready for the birth, just in case.

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Here is a beautiful pictoral diary of what a Homebirth looks and feels like all the way from going to a check up, early labor all the way through examining the placenta. It's beautiful and exactly what I experienced.

First item pictured is a Fetalscope. You put the ear pieces in your ear, the arched thing on your forehead, the other end on the mother's belly. You not only get the sound coming in your ears, but also from bone conduction through your forehead.

Backstory: Conflicting Spiritual Paths

2007-04-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have always led a very spiritual life. At age 5 or 6, I felt called to be a Nun. I remember feeling transported in Church. By the age of 11, I began to question the Catholic church, but kept my deep Spiritual nature. By fourteen I was reading about Hitler and the Holocaust, the history of the Christian Church, and Eastern religions.

My strong interest in spirituality led me to studying it in college, both when right out of high school as a minor then after returning to college in later life to finish my degree. My BA is in Religious Studies. My journey has been long and circuitous, always following my inner knowing and experience. I've ended up with a personal spirtuality based primarily in Mysticism and the body.

My ex grew up in a Protestant household that did not have a strong connection to Spirit or religion. He had no interest there. When we got together at our very young ages of 20 and 21, here I was on this intensely spiritual Path and there he was, kind of...not. We got pregnant without planning. It hit him much harder than it did me. While neither one of us was ready for the responsibility of a child, he REALLY wasn't ready. About a year and a half after she was born, I started to be a midwife, he graduated from college and was faced with himself and the life he had created.

He had to find a job. I think he felt in the middle of a huge existential crisis. He was washing windows and doing janitorial work. one woman took a liking to him and gave him a "track." He read it. One night while driving from one job to another, he told me he had a vision. That vision told him to become a Christian. He felt "saved."

This was not good news for who I was at the time. I had been studying radical feminist thought and had felt drawn to the Earth Based traditions, one of which was Wicca, the Irish form of paganism generally referred to today as "Witchcraft." It's a Path that honors the Earth and sees everything infused with Spirit.

He saw me as "worshiping the Devil." I saw him as "The Patriarchy," the cause of everything evil on the planet: misogeny, raping of the Earth, environmental decay, immoral government built on greed, child pornography, war, politically based famine.

The two Paths did not mix well.

Two Guys Sitting On A Couch

2007-04-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

Starla tells me a story about her husband and three year old son, Kailyb, doing their guy thing they do. They are sitting next to each other on a couch, both playing with their computers (Dad's a laptop, Kailyb's a toy).

Kailyb says "Hey, Dad..we are both sitting on the couch, both using our computers and we both have penises."

Yup. Reminds me of when his Mom was three. I had just finished teaching a Childbirth Class and a number of the couples were still there in our living room. She walked in, sat on the couch, lifted her skirt, spread her legs and proudly announced and pointed out to everyone there: "See, I have a clitoris!"

Hear Pachelbel's Canon in the background while we all float around in a field of happy flowers and a Cate-Blanchette-as-Galadriel voice says: Wouldn't it be nice if we kept that open, innocent way of being with our bodies and sex?

Parenting Experts

2007-04-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

picture courtesy of Sue Mell

Have you ever noticed if you're in a group of people and the subject of parenting comes up, the ones with the strongest opinions about how kids should be raised, the ones that have all the answers, the ones who "know best" are the people who have never had kids?

My Love For You Is Big

2007-04-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

Last night at dinner I got to sit next to my grandson, Kailyb. We talked about lots of stuff- his toys, what he wants to do at pre-school, life in the eye of a three year old. At one point I looked at him and told him I loved him sooooo much...that my love for him was bigger than the sky. He looked at me and said "yup, Mom, too."

So I looked at my daughter, Starla and smiled, asking if she said that to him. She smiled back and said, "Yes, many times." It was one of those moments that are so sweet as parent, the times where you get to look into the eyes of your grown child and re-discover the things that your kids took to heart and incorporated in themselves. Where you get to know that you did, indeed, do something right.

Because this is what I used to tell her. Many times.

Now that I'm on the other side of the teens, I understand even more how important it is for kids to grow up knowing that somewhere someone loves them unconditionally. I knew it was my primary job when they were little, and I've seen it reinforced hundreds of times over the years. We, as humans need this. The only way we get it so that it becomes a part of our deepest beings is for it to be learned when we are very young.

So when they were young, I made it a point to tell them over and over again that I loved them bigger than the sky. That when they were at school, when they were playing, no matter where they were that if they were feeling bad, to just look up at the sky and remember me and that I loved them bigger, WAY bigger than that.

I guess it worked.

Me, The Midwife

2007-04-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Image Courtesy of Miracle Mountain Images

Today is Saturday and I got to hang out with my oldest daughter, Starla and her son Kailyb. K was born on my birthday in my bed at home with me as the primary midwife.

Starla was born in the hospital. As she was my first child and a gift (not planned), I knew very little, in fact nothing about being pregnant. She was born after five hours of intense labor with no complications. But I cried intensely after she was born and the days after. Something just felt "wrong" about the whole thing.

I was in my radical feminist days so decided to be an agent of change and become a midwife. I went to school to be a nurse, then in my second year met the local lay midwives. They worked together in a cooperative fashion and had a number of apprentices. As I was so committed to birthing and wanted to devote all my time to it, they asked me to come on full time. When I looked at the politics of the day, I realised that I would never be able to practice homebirth as a Nurse-Midwife as it was impossible to find a doctor for backup. If you do homebirths without that in place, you can get your license revoked, possibly be arrested. I decided that to continue that path would be a waste of time, so I took quit school and them up on their offer.

I got to attend tons of births, learned lots, and when they stopped practicing eventually practiced as a primary. I loved the births, loved being with families in this time of major transitions. I miss that.

It takes a very special sort of person to maintain that lifestyle of constantly being on call, and never fully sleeping through a night, never being assured of a holiday or that I would be able to attend my child's birthday party. I look at women who were practicing when I was and who are still, twenty five years later, catching babies. They've assisted thousands of babies and families and quite frankly, that always blows me away. I admire them.

I came into birthing angry at medical intervention of birth. It still upsets me, but I understand why they doctors intervene. It's because they want to make sure in the every way they know how to try to make it safe. And while I don't agree with their methods, I completely understand their intent. Birth, as life, is an unpredictable event. It never follows a text book, you can never know where it will go. While so much can be avoided by not intervening, that line of then to do so and when not to takes tremendous Trust. And when you are responsible for a life, two lives, Trust can be quite daunting. I understand them now.

After six years of practicing it came to me that if something was to happen to either a baby or the mother I would feel responsible, no matter what I had done "right." It got quite scary to realise that I was a minor player in a family's Karma. And that by placing myself there in the middle of it, I was putting my children and family in jeopardy. I burned out.

But it's ever so amazing and is such an honor to see babies I helped be born now taller than me and having babies of their own. Now that's cool.

Welcome!

2007-04-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve raised three wonderful daughters, ten years as a single parent. The youngest still lives with me but will be gone soon; the oldest has a son. I cannot wait to be alone again, and yet, they are the most important people in my life and I love talking to them every day.

I’ve lived a bit of an unorthodox life and have some fairly different ideas about parenting.

Most of them come from the belief that I trust my kids and believe in their ability to direct their lives. I believe one of the most important jobs as a parent is to let our kids know that they are loved unconditionally. The other most important job is to let them go—to get out of the way of their natural ability to be healthy and whole and self-directed.

Much of what I have done has shocked some of my friends. Yet at the same time, many of them tell me they see me as one of the best parents they know.

Do my daughters and I have perfect relationships? Far from it. We have our problems, our tweaks, our occasional fights. I am no “expert.” But I do have my opinions and experience of many years as a personal growth teacher of sorts that have contributed to my ideas about what contributes to the making of healthy people. I invite comments, questions, and discussion. For it is through hearing parents different than us and finding other ways that we can discover what works for us and our families.

It's my intention for this blog to ultimately be of service to families with children from babies to teens. I hope you will join me and others in this journey.